Tears start to fall from my eyes. Jennifer hands me a box of tissues. I set it on the table, afraid to wipe my tears for fear they might never come again.

“I haven’t cried in a long time,” I say. “Crying is weakness.”

“Who told you that?”

“Nobody had to tell me. I saw it with my own two eyes. If I had stopped and cried about everything that happened to me, I probably would have died. It was so much. I just had to find a way to keep going. And I did. I made it. I’m exceptional, the best that ever did it.” I smile weakly, not believing my own words.

“You did and you are,” Jennifer says, validating my observations. “Not many make it to a place like this coming from your circumstances, but that doesn’t mean you have to continue to do everything on your own. What you have overcome is too much for one person. That kind of trauma will wreck you in the long run if you don’t face it and release it.”

“I know,” I respond. “I’ve already watched it destroy my humanity. I can’t cry or feel anything. I just have to be strong all the time. I can’t even be a woman. Being a girl is dangerous so I have to hide my femininity. Not be soft at all.

“And I’ve already seen it, the pain, eviscerate everyone in my family, including my brothers. That always hits me the hardest. My brothers didn’t make it. I don’t know how to live with that. I mean, they’re alive, but one was recently released from prison and the other is schizophrenic. What kind of lives are those?”

More tears fall.

“Why do you think you’re crying right now?” Jennifer asks.

“That’s a dumb question,” I lash out before immediately apologizing. “I’m sorry. I know you are trying to help. This is just hard. I feel like I’m gonna break apart if I talk about all this.”

Jennifer gazes at me understandingly. “Take your time,” she says.

“I think I’m crying,” I continue, “not because of how sad it is, like the situation itself, but because of everything that’s lost. Does that make sense? Like who would I be if I didn’t have to be strong all the time and I could just be myself? Who would I be if I had a stable family? What kinds of experiences could I be having with my brothers right now if they weren’t sick and struggling? I want those experiences. I feel like it would give me nourishment to have some family I could lean on. I’m mourning the loss of all that. To tell you the truth, I think I’ve been mourning my whole life. Is that weird?”