Imagine him, just living his little nerd life, minding his own pathetic nerd business with a cool factor of zero, when along comes Sarah Collier, man—looking the way she looks. Looking that way at him. He probably didn’t know what hit him. Must’ve thought he’d died and gone to heaven. Poor sucker didn’t stand a chance.

Maybe she’d leaned against his locker and smiled that smile of hers. Maybe she did that thing where she rubs the ankle of one foot with the toe of the other. Who wouldn’t give her their sister’s old test? Who wouldn’t give her their eyeteeth?

I didn’t blame the dude, not in the least. And I bet there wasn’t another guy in this whole school who did either.

Chicks. The garbage they get us to do. It’s nuts, man. Just nuts.

Ruby

I go, “Jake Broder???”

And Brenda’s all, like, “I know!”

And I go, “He’s in my science class or, like, history or something, and I never thought he was all that, you know, whatever.”

And Brenda says, “I know.”

And I’m still, like, amazed, so I go, “Can you believe Sarah Collier has, like, the hots for him? She could have any guy!”

So Bren goes, “I know!”

And I say, “I’ve never even seen them together, like, ever—Sarah and Jake. What’s up with that?”

Bren nods and says, “I dunno.”

Then Ashley, who has been quiet as a mouse till now, goes, “I personally? Have always, like, thought? Jake Broder? Was kinda cute.”

“Aw, get outta here,” I say. “You’re totally lying.”

“Through your caps,” Brenda agrees.

But Ashley says, “I swear? And I do not? Have, like, a single? Speck of trouble? Seeing why Sarah? Was, like, trying? To protect him.”

I roll my eyes and go “Fttttt” to Bren.

And Bren goes “Fttttt” back at me and says, “I know.”

But Ashley says she’s totally serious, and she goes, “Do you think I care? Like, what you say? Well? I don’t. And when Sarah’s? Done with him? I have, like, every intention? Of asking that boy out.”

So Brenda goes, “Gross!” and we both lose it. But not only does Ashley not crack up, she, like, doesn’t even crack a smile! Alls I’ve got to say is: “Look out, Jake!”

Jake

My four-day suspension ended yesterday, and I was not looking forward to returning to school. I didn’t know what to expect. Would I get jumped and pulverized by an angry mob? Or attacked by individual thugs who had put their names on the official beat-up-Jake-Broder sign-up sheet? At best, I pictured myself being shunned and ignored.