She’s wowed me again, several times.

When she ran her paint-splattered half marathon in Budapest and managed to get to the end, she blew me away. Mum had told me she wasn’t sure she’d be able to run that distance, and that it was a good thing that Edgar was going with her to help, coach and support her, and bring her back if she passed out. I told myself she could have asked someone else, of course, but when I heard Charlotte and Grandma giggling the day before Mum and Edgar left for Hungary, I figured that something was going on. That really hurt. It made me feel that Mum had decided that life would go on for her, without me. Because, actually, I think Mum had a good time in Budapest. And Edgar supported her and protected her, she told me with a thing in her voice that sounded like hero worship. Yes, as I said, I’m envious.

A little while ago, Mum came into my room with Isa. At the time, I was thrilled that Isa had come to see me, even if I imagined that seeing me like this must be a real passion-killer. Yesterday, Mum went to the N.R.J. Music Awards party with Isa. She was determined to tick one of the boxes that I thought was the hardest, and she did it. She’s crazy, my mother. I laughed, I cried, I thought it was genius that she did that duet with Maître Gims, because I know how much Mum hates rap, but, once again, I nearly died of jealousy that Isa went with her.

Of course, I want Mum to carry on living and to see people again. But, at the same time, I hate the idea because it means that I’m becoming less important. That soon I’ll be part of the furniture, and the centre of Mum’s world will be somewhere else, with Edgar, with Isa, with Grandma, with Charlotte. When Mum talks to Charlotte, she says ‘tu’ now, and it’s obvious that they share a life outside the hospital, a life in which they see and talk to each other. I get the impression they’ve become mates. That’s weird, because, from her voice, I get the sense that Charlotte’s much younger than Mum. Everything’s so strange and nothing’s strange any more. When I think about it, I get the impression that Mum’s got younger. Maybe that’s what’s really changed in her voice.