“Yes, I do. Consequently I want you to leave Empire Clothing and come to work for me in my new business.”

“You do?”

Arthur Durch fell head over heels in love with Evelyn Lounge, the girl who laughed at his joke at the AA meeting.

Three days later, Arthur asked for Evelyn’s hand in marriage.

She said, “Listen, Arthur, it’s true that at this point in my miserable life I’m desperate. Shit, I’d marry a snake with a harelip, but…but…”

“But! But what?” asked Arthur. “Why not me, for Christ sake?”

“You didn’t let me finish.”

“So finish.”

“I’m confused.”

“That’s it!? That’s finishing?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Jesus, Evelyn, I mean, I tell you…I admit to you I’ve fallen head over heels in love with you, and it doesn’t even dent you. Let’s face it…I mean, let’s face it, Evelyn, you’re not God’s gift to men, you know.”

“I know.”

“I mean I love you like crazy, I really do. I know myself pretty well, Evelyn, and I can tell you with mucho assurance, I love you. BUT…”

“But?”

“But you’re not very attractive, Evelyn, and you’re not very bright.”

“I know these things, Arthur. That’s why I’m constantly selling myself short.”

“With good reason, Evelyn, and…and…”

“And what?”

“Well…I didn’t want to bring this up…”

“Go ahead. Bring it up.”

“You have a funny smell.”

“That’s because I work as a dental assistant, Arthur. I mix Dr. Kalman’s batters.”

“Who the hell is Dr. Kalman?” asked Arthur, feeling his first pangs of jealousy.

“Dr. Morris Kalman. He’s a dentist, Arthur. I take all his upper and lower impressions. Consequently, I constantly smell of alginate mixed with hydrophilic and vinyl polysiloxane. It’s what I put in the batter to make the molds.”

“Whatever it is, Evelyn, it’s quite pungent.”

“It’s what?”

“It smells bad.”

“Yeah. Most men find the smell a turnoff.”

“Oddly enough, I don’t,” said Arthur. “I like it. Your impression stink smells like sweet summer breezes to me.”

“You’re sweet, Arthur.”

“Alas, love doth oft blind the eye and dull what other senses one might possess.”

“Who said that, Arthur?”

“Me.”

“Oh, Arthur.”

Arthur Durch and Evelyn Lounge courted for another week but never had sex. At the end of the week, Evelyn said she wanted to wait another week.

“Wait for what?” asked Arthur.

“I just want to wait,” she whined.

“For what?”

“Until we’re married,” she whined.

“So let’s get married. I keep asking you to marry me and you—”

“You want to marry me just to…to…”

“So what, Evelyn?”

“I want to wait,” she whined.

“God, Evelyn, you whine constantly. I don’t want to wait.”

“Why, Arthur? Why marry so soon? We just met, practically.”

“I’m horny.”

“What’s that mean?”

“You know what that means.”

“I don’t know what it means, Arthur. I really don’t.”

“It means I want to fuck you, is what it means.”

“Oh, God,” said Evelyn Lounge.