“Please!” interrupted the frustrated producer. “Just stick to the story, will you?”

The old cripple chuckled to himself at the rest of the anecdote he would never finish. Then he began to cough. He hacked away for a minute or two, mumbling “excuse me” now and then until he stopped choking. The producer would later refer to the cripple’s coughing, when he recounted the story to his lawyer, as “the old scumbag’s infernal barking.”

When the cripple had finally got his spasms under control, he took a filthy handkerchief from his pants pocket, wiped his mouth, then put the dirty handkerchief back where it came from.

“One day,” said the cripple, slightly breathless, “we had this nice lady from Canoga Park on the show. Canoga Park is a suburb of Los Angeles.”

“I know where Canoga Park is,” said the producer.

“Good for you. Anyway, this lady from Canoga Park wore a little white blouse with flowers on it and orange Bermuda shorts. One bra strap hung down over her right shoulder, I think it was. I’ll never forget what she was wearing or that bra strap as long as I live, which, as you can probably guess, isn’t going to be that much longer.” The old cripple gave a few cackles. “That’s why we have to get this project up and running soon. Anyway,” he said, “this lady with the flowered blouse, bra strap, and Bermuda shorts won her round and got a chance to pick a box. Which she did. Our model brought the box to the host, who put it on the podium. Jeff lifted the box’s lid and looked inside, you know, going through the old routine, trying to surprise the woman into thinking she just won the twenty-five big ones. He didn’t surprise her at all. Not that woman. So Jeff continued the drill. He pulled a card from the box and told the contestant she might not have won the twenty-five thousand dollars, but she did win herself…a ham sandwich on whole wheat bread!

“The woman contestant moaned with disappointment. She couldn’t have cared less about a ham sandwich. She thought that was it, had a really angry look on her face, and started to walk away with her sandwich when Edwards called her back again and said, ‘There’s something else in the box, Martha,’ or whatever the hell her name was. The contestant came running back all excited and watched Edwards pull out another card. This time he said, ‘Yes sireeee, Martha, you did win something else. You won…well…you can put that sandwich guess where? Can’t guess? The answer is…into your very own, brand-new picnic basket!’