Where did I read that? Shit, I forget.

The old cripple moved off the bed and stood up. He fetched his crutch and turned to face an imaginary auditorium filled to the rafters with people.

“Ladies and gentlemen, the way I see it, everyone falls into basically three tiers. The First Tier are those lucky people who die pain free and quietly at home at ripe old ages. These First Tier people have lived errorless, blameless, happy lives. At age ninety-five they spend their final hour lying in their own beds, under clean sheets, pain free, looking up at loving wives or husbands they’ve been married to for more than sixty years. All their grown children, some holding grandchildren and great-grandchildren, are standing around the deathbed looking on with misty eyes and warm, friendly faces. These lucky old First Tierers doze off and that’s it. No pain. No strain. Gwan.

“Some First Tier people have collected treasure chests filled with honors and awards. Some have Oscars on their mantels, their hand-prints frozen forever in cement somewhere along Hollywood Boulevard. Some have not. To those who haven’t any awards, keep in mind Gray’s ‘Elegy Written in a Country Church Yard’: ‘The paths of glory lead but to the grave.’ The truth is, First Tier people have accomplished something far far better than any Emmy, Pulitzer, or Nobel prize. Their accomplishment is simply being in the First Tier. And these people are few and far between. Maybe seven all told in the entire United States. I’m not one of those First Tier people, that’s for damn sure.”

The cripple took a sip of imaginary water from a chimerical glass that was resting on a nonexistent podium.

“Now let me tell you about the Second Tier people. The Second Tier people are those with two plastic hips who can still play golf and carry their own golf bags, who haven’t known terrible tragedy, who are still married to their first husband or wife, and whose kids never went to jail or became druggies. Maybe some of their kids will even come to the funeral. My guess is there are less than a million Second Tierers in the United States of America. I’m not one of those, either.