That feeling, it wasn’t loneliness. It was a mix of hopelessness and despair, fear and longing. The need to reach, grasp for something in the dark without knowing what it was that you even wanted. It was being lost, wanting to want something, wanting to know what to want. An exhausting aimlessness.

I hadn’t experienced that in a while, ever since I met Elise. I never felt lost after she found me. As long as I had her, I had nothing to fear. Only now I wasn’t sure I’d always have her.

Pulling out my lighter—Elise’s lighter—I stared at the moonlight reflecting off the metal. Elise was wild, Elise did what she wanted. She burned brightly, and I wanted to be like her. Unpredictable, maybe even a little dangerous.

I didn’t want to be jealous of her, of what she might be doing at her anti-anti-prom party. I wanted her to be jealous of me and what I might be doing without her.

Pushing myself up on the floating dock, I turned to Jack with a smile before slipping out of my jeans and pulling off my top. “Come on, don’t be so serious,” I said, more to myself than to him, and then jumped into the water.

“Wait,” he said. “We shouldn’t. It’s dark and the lake bed has uneven drops.”

I emerged and swept my wet hair back.

“It’s dark.”

“We won’t go far,” I said. “We’ll stay by the dock.”

“I don’t know.”

“Wait, can you swim?” I asked.

He laughed. “Yes, I can swim.” And then he joined me in the water.

We stayed by the dock and shoreline, our feet slipping against the lake bed. We chased each other back and forth with splashes and then Jack dove under. I looked all around me at the inky water and called his name. Suddenly he burst above surface right in front of me, laughing. Before I could slip away, his hand found mine.

“Hi,” he said, his voice soft.

“Hi,” I said, and everything seemed to fall away.

It was April, but without the sun I was shivering. Gently, he pulled me closer until I could feel his breath on my skin. Then, with eyes closed, our lips touched and I was no longer cold.

• • •

When we got back to his motorcycle, we were soaking wet. We’d stayed as long as we could in the water, only getting out when I began to sneeze. “Here,” he said, offering me his Superman tee once we were out.

“I’m okay,” I said, even though I was shivering in my tank top. I wanted to seem tough, like I could take care of myself—like Elise.

He stood there in a thin black tee, hand outstretched. “Come on, you’re freezing.”

“I’m fine,” I said, embarrassed when I promptly sneezed.

Jack laughed, offering it to me again. He was so thoughtful—first at the lake when he was worried about swimming in the dark, and now trying to keep me warm. More thoughtful than any of the other boys I’d known.