• • •

When I awaken I find Evan and his parents there. They tell me that Jack’s mother finally managed to get a flight home and that she’d like to meet me since I won’t be able to attend the funeral. They seem worried about me, and not just because of the gunshot wound. Evan is the most bewildered of all, struggling to process everything that’s happened, struggling with this new view of Elise, both of her past and what she’s done. When his parents leave to get some coffee, he sits beside me and tells me he’s sorry.

“Why?” I ask, and for a moment he looks like he’s about to cry.

“Jack—I’m just sorry,” he says, shaking his head.

“How’s Lola?” I ask. Just thinking about her brings tears to my eyes. Jack left and never returned and no one can tell her why.

“She’s confused,” Evan says. “Hangs out by the door and stares out the window a lot.”

“God, that’s awful.” My heart breaks for her and I tear up. No one will ever be able to explain to her why he’s not coming back—or the fact he won’t be coming back at all.

“My parents wanted me to ask you about her, actually.” He takes a deep breath. “Jack’s mom can’t take her since she’s almost never home, and of course Lola will always have a home with us, but she was really Jack’s dog and she seemed to like you a lot, so—”

“Yes,” I say immediately, and my heart breaks again at the thought of the two of us coping with the loss of Jack, but it also brings me a ray of comfort that we’ll have each other.

“Okay,” Evan says with a small smile. “I’ll bring her over when you get out.”

I cry when they leave. My parents, the nurses, and doctors all think I’m in pain, and they’re right, but it’s not the gunshot wound.

Jack was right. The guilt I felt for failing Elise when she needed me most consumed me, confused me. And without its oppressive weight, I am free to really mourn Jack. I cry and cry and cry. I run through all the ways I could’ve prevented his death, all the ways I failed him.

That night, when I sleep, I dream of him briefly. We’re at the lake, and it’s a starry night, like the one when we met. This time, he’s the first to jump in. I quickly follow, and even though it’s dark, I can see his face, that gentle smile.

He goes under and, in my dream, I think we are playing a game. I wait and wait for him to emerge laughing, but he never does. The dream lingers long after I wake up sobbing, gasping for air.

A night tech comes into the room. “Are you okay?” he asks.

I answer honestly. “I don’t know.”

SATURDAY // SEPTEMBER 2 // DAY 358

68.

The next day, I’m surprised with a visit from Melody. She brings me coconut cupcakes and chocolate chip cookies. She tells me about school and the things she’s been up to, and it’s nice to just listen to her voice, let her distract me.