Finally I swallowed. I understood what Elise was saying but I was still terrified. The thought that she’d even think about bringing a gun to school was unimaginable.

“Don’t worry,” she said. “I’m not stupid. I’m not bringing it to school, but I need to have it near me, especially when I’m alone.” She placed a light hand on my arm. “I need to be able to protect myself.”

I left to take a shower, wanting to clear my head. The water ran cold after a while but I stayed, shivering. Elise was so much harder, rougher these days, and I couldn’t blame her for that, but I wasn’t sure what to say to her anymore. Maybe I thought I’d lost the right to challenge her, that I’d lost the right to judge her. So I let it go.

“It’s going to be okay, Remy,” Elise said when we were both back in bed. “You worry too much. Everything’s going to be okay.”

I wanted so badly to believe her.

MONDAY // AUGUST 14 // DAY 339

50.

“Here’s what we’re going to tell everyone,” Elise said to me on the way to school. “We’re going to say that my dad had to move for work but I didn’t want to go and your parents were nice enough to let me stay.”

“Okay?”

“I’m serious, Rem. Now tell me what I just told you.”

I dutifully recited it back to her, and when we split up for class, I texted Jack the story Elise had come up with. We finally met up at lunch, and it was the first time in over a week that I’d seen him.

“Hey,” he said softly when I flew into his embrace. “Missed you.” It felt so good, being in his arms again. But I pulled back quickly, worried Elise might see and get upset. She was the priority right now. Everything else, including our relationship, had to take a back seat to making her happy.

“Missed you too,” I said.

“It’s so weird,” he said when we sat down to wait for the others. “Almost everyone I know is gone.”

“Evan’s still here.”

“That’s also weird. We’ve never been in any classes together and now we’ve got three. I feel so left behind,” he said. “It’s disorienting.”

“It’ll get better.” I held his hand, intertwining our fingers together loosely.

Soon the others showed up, and I introduced Jack to Jae and Julie.

“Where’s Elise?” I asked, looking around the caf.

“Maybe behind the school?” Jae suggested.

“Behind the school?” Jack asked me.

“Come on.” I led us out to look for her and sure enough, there she was, sitting by herself on the curb, looking a little lost.

“Hey,” she said when she noticed us. “Where’s Madi?”

“She graduated, remember?” Julie said, giving her a weird look.

“Oh. Right. Sorry, I’m just tired.”

We all sat down, catching up on what everyone had been up to in the last couple weeks before school started. Elise was uncharacteristically quiet and closed off, her smiles rare and her expression faraway.