“I think with Dean, I felt—” I start to say, but Andrew pulls away from me, his forehead wrinkled.

“What about Dean now?” He runs a hand over his face and sits up, leaning away from me on the bed.

“I was just going to say,” I feel my voice waver with emotion, “I’m not as nervous as I was with Dean. I mean, I’m still nervous obviously, but Dean was like . . . another level. You’re different.” I laugh awkwardly, expecting him to laugh too, but he doesn’t.

“Could you . . . just . . .” He turns back to me. “It really sucks you’re talking about another guy right now.”

“We’re doing this because of another guy though. I can’t not think about him.” My voice feels unsteady. “I mean, Dean’s the whole point, isn’t he?”

“Okay,” he says. “Yeah. But you keep bringing him up, and it’s really hard to get . . . I can’t just turn myself on and off like a light switch. It’s more complicated than that.” He runs a frustrated hand through his hair. “You’re really messing with my head.”

“Oh,” I say, flustered. I hadn’t thought of it that way, hadn’t thought this could be anything but easy for him. Why is Andrew having a hard time? Is it because it’s me? I feel a lurching horror at the thought. I lean up too, sitting beside him on the edge of the bed. “You could pretend I’m Cecilia or Abby or something,” I say softly. “If that makes it easier for you.”

“I don’t want you to be—” he starts, but I keep going.

“I don’t want to be doing this either, Drew. I just thought it made sense. And you agreed, right?” I feel tears stinging the corners of my eyes. I realize then I’m still naked from the top up and I cover myself with the blanket. “I know I’m not as hot as the girls you usually—”

“You’re completely misinterpreting everything I’m saying.”

“Then what are you saying?” I ask, letting out an irritated sigh. He’s silent for a while, just looking at me, the expression in his eyes unreadable. He runs a hand through his hair and then wipes his face as if in exhaustion, and takes a deep breath.

“I’m . . .” he starts, then pauses again.

“What, Drew? If you don’t want to do this, then just say it.”

He sighs. “I don’t think we should do this.”

I feel something inside of me crumple.

“Okay. I’m sorry I asked.”