Of course, it was hard to understand how the act of making a kneeling vow to follow God and the Amish church for the rest of her life could change her from the inside out. Maybe it was too much to expect. Mamma sometimes talked about how a life of faith required a daily renewing of the mind. Britta knew she’d do well to remember that, but it was just so hard to put into practice. There had been times before now when she’d let an irritation turn to anger. One was that long-ago day when Aaron Kauffman had said she didn’t belong with the People. Britta hadn’t told anyone about the intense anger that had welled up in her at the time. She’d stared at the back of his head during spelling class, wondering if a single strike of a book could knock him out.

Mamma would be horrified if she knew, Britta thought. Susie too.

Rushing to open the stable door, she made her way inside, tempted to dial up Allen’s number and talk to Mamma about all this. My feelings especially.

Instead, she pushed the big scoop into the feed bag, knowing she’d regret it if she called now, upset as she was. I need to get a hold of myself.

After she’d fed the livestock, she stayed in the stable to play with the cats. Daffodil in particular seemed to sense Britta’s need to cuddle. Oh, she wished she could bring at least one of the cats into the house, even into her room at night!

“Would ya like to read Mamma’s latest letter?” Britta said to Susie at supper, handing it to her.

Susie’s eyes moved quickly over the stationery while Britta waited.

When her sister was finished, Britta said softly, “It’s been a while since I felt this disappointed.”

“You sound more irritated than disappointed,” Susie said, folding the letter and handing it back to Britta.

“Well, to be honest, I think Mamma prefers to stay with Allen and Sarah.”

Susie slowly shook her head. “Ach, I don’t believe that’s it. Mamma loves all of us, and that won’t ever change, no matter who she’s with.”

Britta gave a little shrug.

“We want what’s best for her, and if stayin’ there longer is what the doctor and Allen think is best now, then so be it,” Susie said, getting up for some goat’s milk.

Britta chafed under her sister’s words, yet she had no choice but to agree.

Late that evening, Britta was filled with remorse to the point that she knelt beside her bed and asked God to forgive her. And she prayed for something else, too—for help in finding her birth mother. If it is Thy will, she reluctantly added.