But I’ve realized that what’s happened is the opposite. You’ve changed me. And in ways I’m not happy about or comfortable with. (There’s that word again.) Maybe what I’m trying to say is that I’m worried about where all this is leading. What’s going to happen in a few months when we start college? Goddard sounds like the kind of school where everyone gets high. Do you really think you’ll be able to function at a college level if you’re stoned all the time? And when you come to Middlebury on the weekends, are you going to want to take LSD?

I hope it doesn’t sound like I’m nagging. I’m just trying to be honest.

Robin

The spiral notebook pages end there. There’s a second letter, written on unlined light-blue stationery, but before I begin reading it, I need to take a deep breath and steady the queasy foreboding that’s spread through me. It feels like the floor is breaking apart beneath me. I’m not quite in free fall, but I could really use a solid handhold.

Maybe the news gets better in the next letter.

7/4/69

Dear Lucas,

Thank you for all the letters. The one about Goddard rejecting you came today (the Canadians don’t celebrate the 4th) and I’m so sorry and worried about you. What are you going to do about the draft? Is there any way to get out of going to Vietnam? Some way to fail the physical? Maybe Dr. Hill could write a letter?

I’m sorry I haven’t written sooner. I have to be honest. It’s not just being super busy with the start of camp. It’s also the uncertainty I’m still feeling about us. I’m sorry to make you wait so long for a letter, but I haven’t been able to figure out how I feel or what to say. It makes me feel cruel, but I know you wouldn’t want me to lie and say everything is fine when it isn’t.

You’ve been saying in your letters how much you’re looking forward to driving up and seeing me in a few weeks, but are you sure you want to come all this way? Shouldn’t you spend the time figuring out how to get out of the draft? I’ve gotten my schedule and I’ll only be able to take off one day to be with you. And I’ll have to be back in the bunk by ten p.m. Also, except for visiting day, they don’t allow noncampers on the property. If you come up, I’ll have to see you off camp property. There’s hardly anything around here except woods.