Okay, enough of that. But I really have tried a bunch of times to write to you. Yeah, as you expected, I was totally blown away by your letter about Samuel. But you may be surprised to learn that I’m not angry. Not at you, at least. If there’s anyone I’m angry at, it’s me. I see now that I put you in some really uncomfortable situations. It wasn’t my intention. But like you’ve always said, I’ve got those blind spots. I could have, should have, been a lot more sensitive to your needs. I can’t begin to tell you how sorry I am about that.

By the way, was Samuel ever in one of those blind spots? Did you drop hints about him that I didn’t pick up on? I can’t remember any, but if I could, I guess they wouldn’t be blind spots, right?

Here’s the thing. I really, really, really love you. More than I thought I could love anyone. I love you so much that I can’t give up and walk away from what we have together. I’m still hoping that somewhere deep down you feel the same.

I know I’ve made mistakes. And I know you dropped hints that I didn’t take seriously. I guess I didn’t realize how serious you were. Now I’m hoping that your letter about Samuel was actually your way of letting me know how serious you are about what has to change for us to continue together. If that’s what it was, let me tell you, it worked. I’m ready to change. I’m ready to do whatever I have to do to keep your love. Some of my options are kind of limited at the moment (it’s not like I’m going to find a college close to Middlebury that will accept me), but I do have some promising alternatives. Hopefully I’ll be able to take the army induction physical in San Francisco and get a 1-Y deferment. (I know you’re in Canada, so it’s not like anyone up there would care, but please don’t tell anyone about that, okay?)

Once I’ve gotten my 1-Y, I still plan to move to Vermont. Maybe after a year working up there, I’ll have a better idea of what I might want to study in college, or maybe I’ll go into the Peace Corps. By the way, I’ve cut way down on the grass and cigarettes.