‘Where will I go, Kiana? It’s three in the morning! Please, just let me stay. Let me fix this!’ Liam looked desperate. He had probably never imagined that I would use my financially stronger position the way I was. But I was practically bearing all his living expenses, and after what he’d done, it felt like the smallest act of revenge to force him to leave.

‘Take your car and fuck off. Crawl back to Philadelphia to your parents’ or get yourself and that bitch a hotel room in New York. But just leave my apartment,’ I said with the kind of cold clarity and confidence that I hadn’t experienced since the day I’d left my own home after that bitter quarrel with my dad.

There had been something deeply satisfying about kicking my dad out of my life. And I felt the same sense of satisfaction when I kicked Liam out.

When he realized that there was no way he could change my mind, Liam packed up some of his things in a bag and left. Needless to say, I couldn’t sleep that night.

And let me tell you that the days that follow the nights when you haven’t slept well are the worst kind of days. If you were a person who loved sleeping but can hardly stay asleep now, there is something wrong in your life.

Adulting isn’t as easy after all.

Have you ever been in a place in life where nothing makes sense anymore? Have you ever thought that dying would be so much easier than trying to understand life? That’s where I was after Liam left.

That morning, when I stood in front of the mirror trying to brush my teeth, I found myself looking at every inch, every corner of the bathroom as if I was seeing it all for the first time. I could see how I’d taken the pains to decorate it beautifully, but everything, from the toothbrushes kept in the ceramic holder to the bath towels hanging behind the bathroom door, was in a pair. And that sight paralysed my soul. From the moment Liam had walked into my life, I had stopped imagining what life would look like if I were to live on my own again.

When we moved in together, we devoted a lot of time to fixing things up around the apartment. But in a matter of hours, I’d become a stranger in my own house, trying to find some meaning behind that soap dispenser that lay lifeless next to the tap or that bar of bamboo soap that we’d brought back from our first trip together to Philly. When you cease to find meaning in the little things that make up your life, you might not want to live anymore. You realize that the only everlasting meaning that can be found in this world lies in pursuing goodness.