As far as my grandmother was concerned, she was living proof of the fact that women have been the flag-bearers of patriarchy for the longest time, and they are their own worst enemies. I wish to be nothing like her.

The more I think about everything, the more my mind gets sucked into the rabbit hole of ugly memories that I cannot erase, and that whole evening comes alive in front of my eyes, scene by painful scene.

‘What the hell is wrong with you, Ma?’ I screamed.

‘See beta, there are only a few ways to leave this country and settle abroad. You’re a girl, and the easiest way out for you is to marry an NRI, just like Harpreet did. Why do you even want to appear for more competitive exams?’ she asked. ‘Besides, your mamaji took care of both your and your sister’s school fees. We couldn’t have afforded a private school otherwise. But we can’t keep begging him for help like this, you know that.’

‘Ma, I really want to become financially independent and take care of myself. If I marry a guy just for the sake of his money, I’ll have to live by his rules and conditions. I’ll be bullied and insulted my entire life. Just like you’ve been bullied and insulted all through your married life. Dad has beaten you up and cheated on you for years. I don’t want a life like yours!’ I yelled at the top of my voice.

Even now, I have no idea what had come over me at that moment. Throughout my childhood, I had witnessed all the ugly fights between my parents and taught myself to stay quiet. Even after I learnt the truth about their marriage, I had never dared to voice my feelings. But that day, when I heard that they wanted to just marry me off, something had come undone inside me. And that something was very unsettling. It was as if a strange ghost had risen up inside me, with even stranger powers that conjured up words that had been clearly festering in the deepest corners of my mind.

I couldn’t fathom the anger and resentment that were searing through my mind and body. I was so angry that I was shaking. My mother, however, had gone entirely silent. She never said a single word about whatever had happened, and like every other time in the past, I knew that no matter how bad the situation was, she would act as if everything was perfect the next day. But I’ve wanted to have a conversation with her since the time I started understanding the stuff that went on in our family.