But I’m not sure if it’s okay to cheer for my country. Can I take pride in my homeland’s achievements and progress after having chosen to immigrate and leave everything behind? Is it okay for someone like me to not feel a sense of belonging in the country that has given us new opportunities in life? Birds have been migrating for centuries, and yet the earth doesn’t judge them for it. So why should I question myself so much about my choices? Why can I not simply live with these choices and make peace with them? After all, it is us humans who decided to divide this earth into pieces by setting up boundaries and creating nation states.

Clearly, my mind is a confusing place, and finding the answers to some of life’s deeper questions is as complicated as it gets.

This standing by the window and staring at the moon is something I like doing every night, because while everything and everyone around me seem to keep changing, the moon kind of stays constant. It does change its form with time, going from a new moon to a full moon, but it’s all cyclic. And somehow, this change is easily witnessed in every other thing. Unlike the flowers that drop dead and don’t bloom again on the plants that I have in my apartment, the moon is always there, and I can watch it from my window every night. It gives me a false sense of conviction that at least one thing in my life is constant. It gives me hope and comfort.

Tonight though, there is no hope, no comfort that I draw from the moon. All I want to do is go and find Neer. But it feels like certain things in my life will never change no matter how hard I try—like the emptiness in my apartment that seems to stretch on endlessly, and the loneliness in my heart that goes down into the very depths of my being. And I know that I’m unable to love anything or anyone because it’s been quite a long time since I have been loved, even by myself.