The weather outside reflects my current state of mind—turbulent and unpredictable. Looking through my apartment window, I see the city already blanketed in snow. The blue lake is completely frozen over by now. I’d woken up to an extreme cold weather alert in the morning, with the weather department advising everyone to stay indoors until 4 p.m. As a result, I’m working from home today. I take a moment to tend to the plants in my living room, finding solace in the activity even as the thoughts I’ve been consciously trying to avoid find their way back into my existence and circle in a loop inside my head. Sometimes, the more you wish to get away from a particular chain of thoughts, the more they pursue you.

For a while now, I’ve been thinking about Nirvaan. If I ever found him again, would he want to get back with me? After all, I did break his trust when I left him after having made all those promises about being in love with him. Would he believe me if I told him about whatever had happened in my life after we parted ways? Would he believe it if I told him that I’d never fallen in love again the way I did with him? That I couldn’t bare my heart to anyone else? That I missed India only because I missed him?

But maybe there’s no point in thinking about these things.

Life has moved forward. And the closest I’ve come to experiencing true love again is with Neer. Perhaps I should give this relationship a chance. But things have been a little strange on that front since our Seychelles tour. I haven’t received any messages from Neer since that day, and my messages to him also seem to remain undelivered. We had such a great time. Maybe he really wanted me to visit him in India and was put off by my reluctance. While I could never stay back in India for Nirvaan, I should perhaps reconsider going back to India for Neer.

Dependency is such a terrible state to be in. Because when you’re dependent on someone else for your happiness, that person holds the key to your life. And without that person, you feel locked out of joy. I don’t want to ever be so dependent on anyone. But then being too independent has also scared me. You can’t do or be everything you wish to all at once. I was once so overtly dependent on Nirvaan that I had to work extra hard at becoming fiercely independent, and now I’m kind of going down the same path by becoming dependent on Neer for my happiness. It’s all cyclic!