Upstairs, I fill my tub to the edge, as hot as I can stand. I take off my clothes, but don’t get in right away. At first, I just stare at the water, at the stillness of it. I remember when I used to be that calm. Before the nightmares, before—

Before.

When I step in, the water burns my skin, but I need the pain. I slip inside with a gasp. After it goes lukewarm, my head slips beneath the surface, and I hold my breath. Ten seconds. Thirty seconds. Sixty.

Thoughts of my mom still flicker in my head, a whirlwind of memories clashing together until I can’t take it.

Sixty-five. Seventy. Eight—

I pop my head out of the water, gasping, panting for air. I still see her. Hanging there. Lifeless. Limbs swaying into each other like wind chimes, a marionette with loose strings, those big blue eyes locked right on mine. Begging me to do something. Begging me to not leave her.

I’m screaming. I don’t know how long I’ve been screaming, but I can’t stop.

Arms close around me from behind, yanking me back, away from her, away from my mom. Strong arms, hard chest at my back. A man. Yelling my name, his voice deep, familiar, telling me to calm down, but I can barely hear the words.

Look at me, Taylor. Look at me!

The man jerks me around with so much force my neck almost snaps back. He shakes me over and over, fingertips digging into my arms, bruising me.

She’s gone, he says. She’s gone.

My father.

He won’t let me go. He won’t let me hold her.

I shake my head. My head spins. Everything turns upside down and then right side up. I blink. Again. And again.

Suddenly, I’m aware of the water, dripping from my face, cool at my back. My head jerks from side to side. I’m alone. Completely alone. The room is filled with a droning silence. My heart feels like it’s going to beat straight through my chest. My hands are in fists, muscles so tense I’m trembling. I swipe a hand across my face, clench my eyes tight and count to ten, fifteen. Twenty. Until the thoughts are gone. I keep counting.

By fifty, I’m angry again.

I need to do something. I need a distraction.

I pull myself out of the water, my hair clinging to my neck, and find my phone on the bed. What did he say his name was? Something with a C.

Carter.

I click into my contacts and start scrolling, looking for Carter. Carter. Carter.

I text him. Free right now?

It takes him almost ten minutes to reply. I see you used that number I gave you What u up to?

Me: Why don’t you come over and see? Meet me at my place?