I wake up, stretch and then—boom, I remember. Today’s my first birthday without Mum. Sixteen years old and she’s not with me. Not here to bake me a chocolate cake with my name on top in blue and white icing. To read my birthday card out loud, in the earnest voice she saves only for this one day. Not here to hug me tight, her long side-plait tickling my neck, or kiss me on the cheek so hard my face squashes into my teeth. We won’t drive to the beach in the south where the sand is the whitest, like we do every year once the burning sun’s cooled, and I won’t hear the crash of the waves or the tinkling of her Indian bracelets as we search for a unique shell or unusual pebble, shined by the sea. She always gives me hers. A too-familiar feeling bubbles in my stomach: the soup of sadness.

Rolling onto my side, I hold my knees for a while trying not to think. It doesn’t help.

I unplug my phone from the charger, turn off flight mode, which I use to save my brain from being roasted while I sleep—or so Mum told me—and go to check my messages. But I stop.

Instead, I open my videos. Before she passed away, Mum recorded a message for me, with some of her thoughts and advice. I recorded it onto my phone so I can watch it whenever I want.

‘Here’s some advice, Sunshine,’ she says after I press play. ‘I know it’s a bit cheesy, but give it a try, okay?’ I pause and kiss her face, frozen in its beauty. No, it’s not too cheesy, I want to say back to her.

‘These are the principles I’ve always tried to follow, and now you’re nearly a grown woman, it’s your turn. When you don’t know what to do, remember who you are. Our value of loving kindness.’ I’m saying the words with her now; I know them by heart.

‘Surround yourself with good people. People who love you for you. When you don’t know what to do, trust your heart, my love. It will never lead you astray. But most importantly, don’t let the world dent your spirit, Sky. There are good people and bad out there. And you will have good times and the toughest hardships. But keep your spirit strong. You are full of compassion and wonder. You are and have always been strong, creative and wise beyond your years. When you don’t know what to do, stay true to yourself. Okay, Sunshine? I love you so much.’

The video ends and I say, ‘I love you too.’