‘I’d treated so many other children, I’d made them better and I couldn’t help my own son. His future was so bleak, a world full of pain. One night, after I’d had some wine, I started to consider … providing a compassionate release for Archie.’

I couldn’t stand to look at him.

‘But it went against everything I believed in. The fundamental reasons that I’d become a doctor. It tore me apart—the fact that I could even consider it. And then it confounded me that the only real answer to solving his pain was his death. So when Archie died unexpectedly, it felt like I’d somehow made it happen by thinking about it. That my son knew I’d given up on him.’

The chapel was so silent that I could hear the wind moaning through the eaves. So Marty had thought about it but he hadn’t done it. Poor Archie had been so exhausted—fighting infection, fighting pain, fighting to survive—that his tiny body had simply stopped battling against it.

I could feel Bella’s soft, steady breath on my neck—nothing like Archie’s laboured breathing. My own secret sat heavily in my chest. Could Marty hear my thoughts? They felt so loud and confused.

‘Lexie, please say something.’

I forced the words out. ‘I understand. In the first days, I was scared to love him because they said he’d die. When he didn’t, I loved him more and more. And then, he went so suddenly, and I was devastated but I was also relieved. What kind of mother feels relief when her baby dies?’

Watching his face, I waited for the look of disgust that would surely follow my admission. Instead, Marty held his hands out to me again.

‘Oh, sweetheart, didn’t you talk to your counsellor about this? It’s normal to feel relief, to have all those emotions at the same time.’

‘I couldn’t tell anyone.’

‘Lexie, you did everything possible for Archie. You’re a wonderful mother.’

He wasn’t horrified by my terrible secret. Searching his face, I could see that he meant what he said: he truly believed I’d been a good mother to Archie.

‘I’m sorry I doubted you.’ I kissed his cheek. ‘You’re a wonderful father to both of our children.’

Pulling Marty against me on one side and Bella on the other, I sighed deeply. Thank God it wasn’t true. But why had Mel taken Bella away from us?

‘Tinker Bell, I’ve missed you so much. How did you leave playgroup on Thursday?’

‘Mel said we were playing hide-and-seek. She lifted me up high over the fence.’

‘And where did you hide?’

‘Over the fence to Deedee. She put me in the truck.’

Not hide-and-seek. Hide-and-gone.

‘But, Mummy—’ Bella tugged at my hand ‘—I left my wizard hat as a clue for you.’

‘You’re a clever girl!’