You never should have gone on that work trip to Indonesia when you were pregnant with Archie.

Lying on the floor of Archie’s room, I remembered being in Makassar and feeling so ill that I thought I was going to die. We’d been served fish for dinner. Two hours later, the cramps and vomiting had hit me. Four of the others were also sick. A doctor had come to visit me in my room and I’d had to postpone my flight to Jakarta. Only later, when I was home, did I even realise that I was pregnant. Food poisoning, listeria—I didn’t know what I’d had, but I was sure it affected Archie in utero. Despite all the tests after his birth, the specialists found no conclusive reasons for his condition. I knew, though; my body had been his incubator and it had failed.

My mobile was ringing in the kitchen. Slowly pulling myself up from the carpet, I leant against the shelf to stand. The only problem with this room—my shrine, as Marty had called it—was that it didn’t have that baby smell. Not that I could ever really smell it on Archie. He was surrounded by too many machines and drugs and devices. That hospital scent had clung to him.

When I finally made it to my phone, I saw that it was Mel calling. I considered ignoring it—the last thing I felt like was talking—but with Marty gone and the house silent, I could feel the pull of the wine rack luring me with its rich red bottles, maroon tops and golden labels. I pressed Accept with my index finger.

‘How are you holding up?’ Mel asked. ‘Who’s there to look after you at the moment?’

‘Nobody’s here right now.’

‘Where’s your husband?’

‘I don’t know.’ I tried to get my brain into action. I didn’t want gossip going around that Marty was furious with me and the police were investigating us. ‘I … um … think he went down to the playgroup.’

‘I’ll come over right now,’ Mel said. ‘Be there in five.’

Leaning over the kitchen sink, I splashed cold water on my face and avoided looking at the wine rack. Was it a sign from God that Bella’s shoe and water bottle had been found in the church?

When Mel arrived, she was all about practicalities.

‘Have you been eating?’ she asked. ‘Did you have some of the stew?’

‘Thank you, yes,’ I lied.

‘You need to keep up your strength.’ Mel put her arm around my waist and walked me towards the staircase. ‘Let’s go upstairs and sit in Bella’s room for a moment. I think that will help centre you.’