I DON’T WANT TO BE HERE, I DON’T WANT TO BE THERE, I DON’T WANT to be anywhere. The phrases whirled through my head like the Dr Seuss books I read Bella at bedtime. Bella, you’re not here, you’re not there, you’re not anywhere.

Three hours after midnight: the clock had ticked over to Saturday. Our torches barely dented the blackness. Stumbling across the open land on the edge of Duffy, land that had contained pine forests before the bushfires. Now it was a settlement of new houses, surrounded by open parkland, a few trees, grass and dirt paths. On the other side of the road, the lights glinted from the new suburbs of Molonglo. The ridge hid any sign of Merrigang. An invisible wall between the city and the bush. What if something had crossed over from the wilderness and snatched my daughter?

‘Stop!’ someone shouted at the end of the search line. Thirty of us stopped instantly. The first few times this had happened, I’d rushed over to see what they’d found. A dumped garbage bag. A log pile that needed investigating. A kids’ hide-out with blankets and drink bottles. Now, I stayed still, holding my breath, waiting to hear the next words.

‘Okay, go on again.’

The line moved forwards and I tried to control my breathing. In, one, two, three. Out, one, two, three. Smell the roses, blow out the candles. But I couldn’t get the rhythm right—I was taking short breaths and blowing out long ones. Head spinning, I stumbled against Marty. His arm was around me in a moment.

‘Are you okay?’

I couldn’t answer—had to concentrate on breathing. My whole body focusing on this one task; a task that normal people didn’t even notice.

‘Hold it up,’ the call came out again.

Without realising, I began counting the seconds, waiting, waiting for the searcher to speak again. Two minutes. Muffled voices.

‘I’m going over to look,’ Marty said, extracting himself from my grasp.

When he took his arms away, I didn’t know if I would remain standing by myself. I wanted Phoebe by my side, but she was on the other side of the planet. My legs shook, black dots shimmied in front of my eyes, my knees buckled and I fell forward into a kneeling position. What have they found over there? I began praying underneath the starry heavens. Please, God, bring her back to me safely. Take me instead. I’ll do anything.

‘All right. Moving on.’