All of a sudden the bottom half of the Chief’s body disappeared and his large torso hung in the air, legless, for an impossible series of seconds. There were some strange sounds before his full body reappeared.

“Sorry about that. They’re still working out the kinks in the technology.” He shot another disgusted look off-camera before he continued, “As I was saying. The short version—when our brainiacs did the math, we learned something extraordinary. By using these guidelines, we changed key words in the headlines for our online stories. With the new headlines, the stories got an exponential increase in traffic! We believe this will work for TV as well. All you have to do is avoid these words in your reporting online or on TV and watch your ratings climb. Boom, pure magic. We are giving you the keys to the kingdom, people, the philosopher’s stone of newsmaking, the secret formula to turn any dull report into ratings gold.”

Natalie stared at the paper in her lap, fighting down a wave of nausea.

Forbidden Words:

Abortion. Affordable Housing. Africa. Authorization.

Bailout.

Canada. Charity. Climate. Cloture. Compromise. Consensus. Consolidation.

Debt. Devout. Disabled.

Education. Entitlement. Equity.

Feminist. Filibuster.

Gridlock.

In-Depth. Income Gap. Inequality. Infrastructure.

Justice.

Lesbian. Last Night. Last Week. Low Income.

Medicaid. Moderate. Monopoly.

Native American.

Poor. Poverty.

Reauthorization. Reconciliation. Reform. Regulation.

Sanctions. Sequester.

Underclass.

Wages. Working Poor. Welfare. Women’s Health. Women’s Rights.

Yesterday.

MATT: Goodbye poverty, malnutrition and women’s health. Hello, Third World Diet Craze: What Keeps Refugee Women Looking So Thin?

NATALIE: You’re heartless.

MATT: I’m NOW!

The Chief, blissfully oblivious to the shock he was inflicting on his troops, grinned. “And now I’m ready to take your questions,” he said happily.

To the left of the ergonomic chairs, a line had formed behind a microphone. The first speaker was a frizzy-haired man in mom jeans and a puffy vest who, judging by his look, might have been one of the production technicians, which, Natalie guessed, would soon be one of the newsroom jobs handled by a robot. His voice was thin and plaintive, like he was born to receive bad news. “Thanks. I’m very worried about what’s going to happen if it’s true that we bought Beltway. What about our jobs? Do you plan to start layoffs? Thank you.”

Assuming a decidedly serious look, the Chief nodded. “Thank you for the question, and the answer is yes. We’ve just purchased Beltway. And I couldn’t be more excited about this merger.”

MATT: Translation, there will be layoffs.

“I know there are worries about job losses. I understand the anxiety. Losing a job is one of the most stressful experiences a person can have, after the death of a child or receiving a terminal diagnosis.”

MATT: Translation, very very painful layoffs.