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Chapters (82)
  1. PRACTICALDEMONKEEPING
  2. CHRISTOPHER MOORE
  3. CONTENTS
  4. Part 1
  5. SATURDAY NIGHT
  6. THE BREEZE
  7. Part 2
  8. SUNDAY
  9. PINE COVE
  10. TRAVIS
  11. ROBERT
  12. AUGUSTUS BRINE
  13. THE DJINN’S STORY
  14. ARRIVAL
  15. ROBERT
  16. THE HEAD OF THE SLUG
  17. 10
  18. AUGUSTUS BRINE
  19. 11
  20. EFFROM
  21. 12
  22. JENNIFER
  23. Part 3
  24. SUNDAY NIGHT
  25. 13
  26. NIGHTFALL
  27. 14
  28. DINNER
  29. 15
  30. RACHEL
  31. 16
  32. HOWARD
  33. 17
  34. BILLY
  35. 18
  36. RACHEL
  37. 19
  38. JENNY’S HOUSE
  39. 20
  40. EFFROM
  41. 21
  42. AUGUSTUS BRINE
  43. 22
  44. TRAVIS AND JENNY
  45. Part 4
  46. MONDAY
  47. 23
  48. RIVERA
  49. 24
  50. AUGUSTUS BRINE
  51. 25
  52. AMANDA
  53. 26
  54. TRAVIS’S STORY
  55. 27
  56. AUGUSTUS
  57. 28
  58. EFFROM
  59. 29
  60. RIVERA
  61. 30
  62. JENNY
  63. 31
  64. GOOD GUYS
  65. 32
  66. THE HEAD OF THE SLUG
  67. 33
  68. RIVERA
  69. 34
  70. U-PICK-EM
  71. 35
  72. BAD GUYS, GOOD GUYS
  73. 36
  74. JENNY, ROBERT, RIVERA, AMANDA, TRAVIS, HOWARD, AND THE SPIDER
  75. 37
  76. GOOD GUYS
  77. ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
  78. About the Author
  79. PRAISE FORChristopher Moore
  80. ALSO BYChristopher Moore
  81. Credits
  82. Copyright

As if in answer, the door bent slowly inward and the doorjamb cracked, then splintered away. The door opened, but there was no one behind it. Rachel pulled the quilt up around her chin and scooted up into the corner of the bed.

“Who is it?”

A voice growled out of the darkness, “Don’t be afraid. I will not hurt you.”

The moon was bright. If someone was there, she should have been able to see his silhouette in the doorway, but strain as she might, she saw nothing.

“Who are you? What do you want?”

“No—what do you want?” the voice said.

Rachel was truly frightened; the voice was coming from an empty spot not two feet away from her bed.

“I asked you first,” she said. “Who are you?”

“Ooooooooooo, I am the ghost of Christmas past.”

Rachel poked herself in the leg with her thumbnail to make sure she was not dreaming. She wasn’t. She found herself speaking to the disembodied voice in spite of herself.

“Christmas is months away.”

“I know. I lied. I’m not the ghost of Christmas past. I saw that in a movie once.”

“Who are you!” Rachel was near hysteria.

“I am all your dreams come true.”

Someone must have planted a speaker somewhere in the house. Rachel’s fear turned to anger. She leapt from bed to find the offending device. Two steps out of bed she ran into something and fell to the floor. Something that felt like claws wrapped around her waist. She felt herself being lifted and put back on the bed. Panic seized her. She began to scream as her bladder let go.

“Stop it!” The voice drowned her screams and rattled the windows of the cabin. “I don’t have time for this.”

Rachel cowered on the bed. She was panting and felt herself getting light-headed. She started to sink back into unconsciousness, but something caught her by the hair and yanked her back. Her mind searched for a touchstone in reality. A ghost—it was a ghost. Did she believe in ghosts? Perhaps it was time to start. Maybe it was him, returned for revenge.

“Merle, is that you?”

“Who?”

“I’m sorry, Merle, I had to…”

“Who is Merle?”

“You’re not Merle?”

“Never heard of him.”

“Then, who—what in the hell are you?”

“I am the defeat of your enemies. I am the power you crave. I am, live and direct from hell, the demon Catch! Ta-da!” There was a clicking on the floor like a tap-dancing step.

“You’re an Earth spirit?”

“Er, uh, yes, an Earth spirit. That’s me, Catch, the Earth spirit.”

“But I didn’t think the ritual worked.”

“Ritual?”

“We tried to call you up at the meeting last week, but I didn’t think it worked because I didn’t draw the circle of power with a virgin blade that had been quenched in blood.”

“What did you use?”