“But can I do that without sounding slutty?”

“Yeah, I think so,” Suzanne said. “I mean, don’t flirt with the guy on the air, okay?”

“What do you think I am, a putz or something?” Lucy said. “I’m not going to flirt with him on the air. I don’t even flirt with them, I let them flirt with me.”

“Why do I feel like I’m the practical one of the two of us?” Suzanne said. “I’m like a ditz in my own life, but as soon as I’m in yours, I have something to do. Cleaning up the mess as you go.”

“I don’t know, I think I’m good for you that way,” Lucy said. “I make you feel like you’re stable, when you’re completely not.”

“This is really revealing about our relationship,” said Suzanne. “Who knew we would find out all this stuff on the way to Burbank to do a talk show? Does this thing have an audience?”

“No,” said Lucy, “which is why I’m doing it. Otherwise I’d really be sick now. But I can always do these. For Hot Countries they had me doing early-morning shows and there was no audience and I was brilliant.”

“I saw you on some of those, remember?” Suzanne said. “You were very good, very relaxed. It was like watching Hal the computer.”

“That’s when I talked about tunneling out of show business.”

“That was very funny,” said Suzanne. “Why don’t you say that?”

“I can’t do it again. That was two years ago.”

“Who saw it?” said Suzanne. “It was a morning show.”

“I can’t do it again,” Lucy repeated. “Maybe if I get stressed out I’ll make fun of my weight.”

“I know,” said Suzanne. “Tell them you’re retaining water for Whitney Houston.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well,” Suzanne explained, “Whitney Houston is clearly not retaining water. She’s obviously getting somebody to do it for her, so let’s—”

“God, that’s perfect!” Lucy said. “Can I do that?”

“Yes, do that. Do that,” Suzanne said. “I can help you on something self-deprecatory.”

“Oh, God, oh, God,” Lucy said. “There’s the studio. I wish you could come out with me. You could just walk out with me like I’m your dummy or something, and we’ll never explain it.”

“Could you drop us at dressing room B up there on the left?” Suzanne said to the driver.

“All right, I’m just going to let you take over now,” Lucy said. “I have a heartbeat as big as the hills.”