THE HOTEL SUITE WAS SO quiet that I could hear birds outside. Speedboat motors. The slam of lids on the metal garbage cans, even the occasional laugh. I don’t know if that made it easier or more difficult. People were still laughing, somewhere. He had tapped a single pill onto the dresser. Looking at the perfect white pearl of it, I wondered if there were more. If I could take a whole bottle for my grand escape from this place. Not to California, but slipping out of the world, easy as a piece of silk sliding through someone’s hands.

I was standing in the middle of the room. Had it been three hours? Four? I hadn’t had anything to drink but had to go to the bathroom anyway. What had started as a general throb from holding it now ribboned through my torso, a sharp twinge of heat. I would ask him if I could go, but I wasn’t supposed to speak. I wasn’t even supposed to think. He told me that I was a terrible person, a bitch, a slut. That I was lucky all he did before was burn me, that I deserved so much worse. If I wanted to avoid being punished again, the only thing I could do was ask for forgiveness. Repent. That word was like a hammer, pounding the inside of my brain. Repent repent repent. I was sorry that I had been such a fool about my mother. I was sorry that I believed those visions, that I dragged Lily into it, when maybe the problem was me all along. I was sorry for all the times I stole from people who didn’t deserve it for a goal that had always been impossible.

He sat in front of me reading a book. I couldn’t tell what it was—something from a library, a bar code along its spine. Had he stolen a book from the library? What about your sins? I thought. He looked up at me as though he could sense my doubt beamed his way. He unpeeled a chocolate poker chip so slowly that I heard every crinkle of the wrapper. I listened as he ate it, the chocolate gumming his mouth, moving down his throat.

This was part of the deal I had made. Two days of total control. He told me it would start out simple, easy. Then we would work our way up to other experiments, other kinds of pain. No more burns, I told him. Well, I’m paying to be the one who makes all the rules. Deal or no deal, he said. I pictured the Ten of Swords in my mind. One more difficult thing, and then I would be free.

First I practiced mouthing the words. May I please use the restroom? No, Sir, may I please use the restroom? He looked up at the sound of my lips moving, closed his book, stood from the chair.