But she had seen it in him, knew it was there, an ache beneath the surface. Even if it was only the disgrace of what his old-fashioned Indian parents would think, at least it was something. She felt each of her tendons and muscles untwist. It was within him too—the same shame that her mother could make her feel, the same shame that she wore like a black birthmark. She felt magnetic, her negative to his positive, and she fell into him.

He hugged her to him. “We’ll never do any of it again if you don’t want to.”

She loved him for saying this, but she doubted she could do it. Once she felt the pull in her belly and that syrupy intensity began to drip like an IV, her body controlled her head, and her body needed to feel her wrists in cuffs, the whip on her skin. But why? The question pitched inside her like a rocking horse, aching back and forth, back and forth. She steeled herself and shook her head. Maybe if they stopped for a while, maybe she could somehow steer herself back, and it wouldn’t matter why. He was leaving for India in two days. She would have a month to push all that darkness—the uninvited images and thoughts and actions—into oblivion.

She laid her head heavily on his shoulder. “I need a break,” she said. “Just for a little bit.”

CHAPTER TEN

THE NEXT DAY, JOSIE PICKED TYLER UP FROM SCHOOL AND TOOK him to the grocery store to buy supplies for his Halloween costume. He wanted to be an astronaut, and they had designed a costume that required tinfoil, spray paint, and a football helmet.

They walked through an aisle stocked with candy, the bags brightly colored and piled high above his head.

“It looks like a candy house,” Tyler said. “A candy spaceship.”

Last night, she had dreamt that she was chasing Tyler, a game of some sort, and when she caught him, instead of him pulling away, they went tumbling to the ground in a heap of giggles. She felt no dread at touching him, no fear that she would want to hurt him, but when he rolled on top of her, he had smacked her across the face with the same wooden spoon Devesh had used on her.

Tyler pulled a bag of Pixie Stix off the shelf. “What are these?”

She smiled. “They’re gross. They’re just flavored sugar you pour into your mouth. We can get them.”

He put the bag onto Maddy’s lap.

“Oh, Ty, she’ll want to eat the bag.” She put the bag in the cart and handed the baby a pretzel.

“Okay, let’s see what we need,” she said.

“I know!” he said, and then he did something strange. He walked over to her, kissed his palm, and then pressed his hand to hers. “One,” he said.