At first she used the thoughts only to soothe herself. She would twirl them in her head and feel her body hum, her mind anesthetized, but by the time she was fourteen, she found herself slipping her hands shyly down her belly, and then, one night, between her legs. She had gone next door to babysit and arrived to household chaos. The little boy she took care of refused to eat his peas. He banged his fists on the table and kicked the chair, and his father, calm at first, finally picked the kid up by the scruff of the neck, marched him to his room, and told him to stay until he could behave. The boy eventually settled down, came back and ate his dinner, and his parents kissed him goodbye and left for the evening. It had resolved peacefully enough, but the scene rooted in Josie’s brain, and that night, after the boy went to bed, she found herself imagining the boy’s father, his hand on her own neck. She could see him marching her down the hall, his grip firm and determined, but instead of telling her to stay until she could behave, he followed her inside and told her to strip.

She had sat on the couch in their living room and felt the need between her legs. It scared her, and she gripped a cushion, afraid of where her hands would go, but the image was insistent. It urged her shorts to her knees, her hands under her panties. She saw the father removing his belt, saw him order her over his lap, and then the strokes, hard and unrelenting. He was punishing her for having dirty thoughts, he was punishing her for wanting a spanking, he was punishing her just to punish her. Her hands moved easily, faster and faster, until she knew exactly why those girls moaned so loudly in the movies.

That was the first time the thoughts had turned sexual, and from then on, she played these scenes in her head whether she was alone or with someone else. She never told her boyfriends. Instead, she pretended to be present until the moment when she could feel herself building to orgasm. Then, if she was in the right position, she could push her face into a pillow, go limp, then far away in her head.