Pebbles ran delightedly around the outside of the house, peed, then raced down the steep path to the beach. Josh followed. The smell of salt was strong, and the ocean was wild and beautiful, thanks to a full moon tonight and a tropical storm down the coast. Waves broke as far as he could see, a roiling white surf in a pounding, ceaseless roar. Pebbles fruitlessly chased a flying seagull, then found a stick and ran around with it, playing fetch with herself, dashing into the waves, then darting back.

Josh sat on the damp sand and looked at the view.

He could walk into that water and be dead of hypothermia in a relatively short time. Or drown, though he’d prefer hypothermia. The water was probably just above freezing, and he didn’t have a lot of body fat. If he swam out far enough, nature would take him. And wouldn’t it be appropriate, to die here? Would Lauren come for him the way she had imagined her father would come for her? Would they finally be together again?

What did he really have in this life that was worth keeping?

A lot, he knew, thinking of Octavia’s soft warmth in his arms, of Jen’s love, his mother’s constancy. Ben and Sumi. Radley. Darius. Sarah. All of them. Pebbles, who well might follow him into the ocean and drown herself, and he couldn’t let that happen.

But he stared at the crashing waves just the same.

He imagined going back up to the house, and instead of it being empty and cold, everyone was there. Lauren, healthy and pregnant, her whole family, all of his. Instead of last night’s exhaustion, it would be so happy. So filled with joy. Because that’s what Lauren did. She made the world happy. Everyone who knew her was better because of it. The house would smell so good, and they’d laugh, and he’d hug her and put his hand on her stomach, and after everyone had left, they’d go into their bedroom and make love to the sound of the waves.

He bent his head. I miss you, he thought. I miss you so much. I don’t want to live without you anymore, Lauren. I’ve done a good job, haven’t I? Please come back. The letters are running out, and I need you. I can’t live without you anymore. It’s too hard.

He got up, walked to the water’s edge and stood there. A wave sloshed over his shoe, the bite of the Atlantic at first sharp, then numbing. He took a step in, his ankles and shins instantly frigid. Pebbles barked in delight, leaping next to him. Another step, so that the waves crashed above his knees. The undertow was strong, and when it tugged at him, he backed out.