“How about another hug, then!” Stephanie said, and Radley got a second, longer hug. When they broke apart, Radley had tears in his eyes. Josh gave him a manly lean-in hug and introduced him around to those who had not yet met his buddy.

It was quite a crowd—the Kims, who’d have their own kids over tomorrow; Jen, Darius, Sebastian and Octavia; Donna and her now-steady boyfriend Bill; and Sarah with some guy she’d dug up (he could already tell it wouldn’t last); as well as three people from his mother’s lab who didn’t have family in the area.

Bill, whom Joshua had never met, was holding Octavia, and while he seemed like a perfectly nice guy, it gave Josh a pang. The familiarity, the contagious sadness that it was not Lauren’s father who was here, that Donna’s boyfriend would never know her daughter.

“The legendary son-in-law,” Bill said, shifting the baby so he could shake Josh’s hand. “I’ve heard so many great things about you. Merry Christmas.”

“Really nice to meet you,” Josh said, faking good cheer. “And, um . . . same! Great things.”

It was crowded and noisy; Sebastian was strung out with excitement, making Octavia overly excited, too. The strangers from the lab were all very chatty and conversational, Darius and Radley were apparently in competition to become his mother’s favorite son, bending over backward to help and compliment her. Donna and Bill were trying to keep Octavia happy, Jen was busy checking NORAD with Sebastian, the Kims were trying to woo his mother into taking another vacation with them, and now telling Donna she should come, too.

Guess they were all in the acceptance phase.

Suddenly, the red tar rose in his vision. How dare everyone be happy? This was Lauren’s holiday. The first Christmas without her, goddamnit. He wanted to bellow out his rage and pain; he wanted to kick Darius, who was telling some story that had half the room howling with laughter; he wished Sebastian would quiet the fuck down; he hated that his mother had done everything she always did on Christmas Eve. Where was the space for Lauren? Where was the acknowledgment? He didn’t want to soldier on. He wanted to . . . break something.

He pictured himself standing under cold water, cooling the rage. The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog. The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog. Cold water. Yes. The waterfall in Hawaii they’d hiked to. That cold water, Lauren in a bathing suit, giggling as she wrapped herself around him.

Oh, Lauren.

Ben came over. “Need to step outside, son?” he murmured, a firm hand on his shoulder.

Just like that, the red was gone. Josh was being an ungrateful ass. All these people loved him, and he was about to have a meltdown like an overtired toddler. He glanced at Ben, shook his head. “Sorry. I was just . . . having a moment.”