The walls are closing in. Being so close to her, but keeping my distance fucking sucks. It’s for the best that she hates me. One day, she does want the happily ever after and I’m not that man. I’m thirty-three years old. I don’t live a lifestyle that promises me thirty-four.

Hooking up with her was a mistake. I crave her body like a heroin addict craves a needle to put in their vein. She’s my paradise. She consumes parts of me I never knew I had. Compassion, concern, and comfort, those are things I never had for anyone outside of my club brothers and I only have so much for them. With each mile that passes by, I worry more about Doll’s comfort and her needs. Never has a bitch gotten so deep within me.

I’m not good for her. I’m a bastard kid that grew into a bastard man. She’s a Hellion with or without tying herself to a brother. Roundman wouldn’t want her with me. He knows what I’ve done for the brotherhood, the risks I take with each run. That’s not the life I’d ever want for my daughter, if I had one.

Internal conflicts wage war in my head all night long. I wake up after little to no sleep, feeling no better about the situation with Doll. On one hand, I want nothing more than endless nights sated inside her body. On the other hand, the more serious hand, I’m no fucking good for her. I’m no fucking good for anyone.

19

How It’s Gonna Be

Another state behind us, South Dakota is a beautiful place to ride. Once again, Tripp didn’t stop at the visitor center, I have no map. I have an old map from my first time at the Sturgis bike rally. Motorcycle clubs come to the different rallies throughout the year to meet. Sometimes it’s to reaffirm allies are still intact, other times to negotiate business in a public way so to speak. Authorities would question twenty or more bikers rolling into a small town with no event calling them into the area. At a rally, as they all come together, it’s expected to have an over-abundance of bikers in one place. This makes for an easy meeting place to discuss future dealings.

Missing home, missing my dad, and spending all this time on the back of a bike, I’ve realized a few things. Maybe I’m not meant to be with Tripp, but I am meant to be an ol’ lady one day. Seeing Rachel with her daughter, I’m certain that one day I do want kids. One day, though, not now. I still have a lot to sort out.

The first thing being my dad. He’s not going to let me be with anyone freely. How does my dad feel about me being an ol’ lady? We’ve never discussed it. Pretty boys won’t do. My dad laughs that off because the pretty boys can’t handle me, he claims. I could meet someone like Dina and Maggie. Once they got married their husbands prospected and eventually patched in. Would an outsider really understand the lifestyle I’ve grown up in?