I kept my eyes tightly shut and rolled over in the bed, hiding my face. I felt my mother’s hand on my back as she told me it was okay. But it wasn’t. It wasn’t okay.

Being awake meant that I was going to have to figure out how to be Aunare enough for them to accept me.

Being awake meant that I was going to have to face war and bloodshed and all the horrors that came with it.

Being awake meant that I was going to have to fight for my freedom again in an entirely new way, and I wasn’t sure I had it in me to figure out a new way to be me.

“Are you in pain?” my mother asked. Her worry was thick in her voice.

“No.” Not the kind she meant.

“What’s the matter then?”

“I…” I couldn’t say it. I opened my eyes and saw Lorne sitting in a chair beside my bed. He was wearing a pair of dark gray pants and a shirt that had three buttons at the top. The long sleeves were rolled up to his elbows, revealing the tattoos around his forearms. His skin was glowing with a golden aura, bright enough to light the whole room.

His face was so carefully blank as he watched me. No judgment there. No pressures to be something that I wasn’t. He just watched in that quiet way he had. So different from the man who had caged me in his captain’s chair. Different from the one that pressed his forehead against mine, knowing what I was asking of him, but willing to do it anyway.

Him, I could tell. Not anyone else.

He didn’t move as I cried. He never tried to comfort me. He just watched me, waiting. For what, I didn’t know. But he sat in the chair beside my bed.

I wasn’t sure where we were or what was going on. All I knew was that I was alive. When… “I was ready to die.”

Lorne moved then. Not much. Just closed his eyes. My mother blocked him from view as she quickly moved around the bed and lay down beside me, wiping tears from my face.

“No, mija. You’re fine. You didn’t die.”

She didn’t understand.

I sat up, needing to see Lorne. To know if he knew what I meant. When I met his gaze again, his eyes were open, dark blue-green calling to me.

He let out a long, slow breath, and I knew. He knew exactly what I meant.

He got up and walked away.

The swoosh of the door sliding open made my heart ache. Stupid. I was so stupid to think Lorne would get it. That he’d understand. He didn’t know me. My own mother didn’t get it. Maybe Roan… Maybe Roan would understand.