RUPERT enters with a tray; a cafetière, two mugs, milk. His face is expressionless, but his eyes are very wide open, his forehead is stretched taut, plastic-looking. His eyebrows plucked into neat arches. SAM stands, surprised.

It’s Miss Havisham!

SAM. What?

MIRANDA. Your mysterious benefactor! When Rupert heard how Aidan treated you, he said, you’ve got to get this guy in, kept nagging and nagging us! He’s your biggest fan!

SAM. Oh right. No it’s just, sorry, I got – because Magwitch is the – in Great Expectations, Miss Havisham isn’t Pip’s benefactor, it’s Abel Magwitch.

,

I mean he thinks it’s her, but it’s not.

,

It’s Abel Magwitch.

,

The convict.

,

MIRANDA. Say thank you then!

SAM. Sorry, yes, thanks, Rupert. This was – really decent of you.

He shakes RUPERT’s hand. RUPERT makes a small sound. Tries to smile.

MIRANDA. Poor sausage, he’s been having a time of it. His dad cut him off. Just like that. Said it would be character-building, didn’t he? You know who his dad is, yeah?

SAM. Um. Yeah.

MIRANDA. Yeah see, to me, that’s child abuse. To bring a child up in a certain way then pull the rug like that. Anyway, what would I know, he’s alright, aren’t you, babe?

A small sound from RUPERT.

Yeah. Rupert’s been with us five months now. The girls love him. Embarrassing, the way Aidan treated him, but that’s Aidan. He’s a stranger to human dignity.

RUPERT makes a small sound. MIRANDA holds his face, examines it.

Bloody hell, babe, how much did they give you?

Rupert had Botox injections this morning, Sam. It’s this new feature we’re doing, ‘What it Feels Like for a Girl’. Each week we get a man, well, Rupert, to investigate a different aspect of normal female experience. He walked down Oxford Street in a miniskirt, he’s had his eyebrows threaded, / he’s –

SAM. Threaded.

MIRANDA. Threaded, exactly, he’s been on the Atkins since October! Nothing but meat for two months, his breath stinks! It’s just part of our feminist agenda.

SAM. Right. It’s like ‘Man Challenges’.

MIRANDA. No, it’s nothing like that. He’s off to Brazil next week, aren’t you?

RUPERT makes a small sound.

SAM. Oh, wow. That sounds, is it Rio? I’ve always wanted to see Mardis Gras.

MIRANDA laughs.

MIRANDA. Different kind of Brazil, lovely. Rupes, your eyes are watering. Shazia’s got some hankies, off you pop, babe.

RUPERT makes a small sound, nods, exits. MIRANDA smiles at SAM.

Black?

SAM. Sorry?

MIRANDA. Coffee?

MIRANDA plunges the cafetière, pours two mugs out.

SAM. Oh. Yes. Thanks.

MIRANDA. Milky one for me, naughty! No, it’s skimmed, it’s alright, do you mind if I just give you a trial exercise?

SAM. No. Of course.

MIRANDA. Lovely. Okay. I’m going to pop you down here.