“I did. I’m still part of it, really.” His hand came up to wipe a tear from her cheek, and she almost let him. But she turned away instead, surprised to realize how quickly her excitement had faded. He continued, “I’m only here on an errand for King Richard. Once it’s settled I’ll have to be off again.”

That was a second punch. “I see,” she said. She did not know what else to say.

“It’s nothing … negotiations. I don’t have much time, I’m leading the captain’s men out momentarily. How … how are you?”

How are you? As if she could answer the lifetime of struggles she’d endured since last they’d been together with a single sentence. She wondered what word could possibly describe the loss of one’s whole family, to leave a comfortable life and to go into hiding with nothing. How might she describe the humiliation of asking old family friends for help and being denied? What clever turn of phrase would summarize the years of traveling from town to town, trading what few skills she had for food and shelter? Which word would tell the man who once loved her that, at her lowest point, she had nearly resorted to prostitution to survive?

“Fine,” she said, gasping on the word. “I’ve been fine.”

“But like this? You could have reached out to me.”

“I’m serious, William, I’m fine.” She controlled herself now. She would not allow him to pretend he could simply change her life in an instant. That would be too cruel. “I reached out to Roger de Lacy, I’m under his employ. This is just…” She gathered her maid’s gown in her hand and shook it dismissively, “… it isn’t perfect, but it is what it is.”

He frowned, but with that young coyness he always had. “I would have thought you married.”

I tried, she didn’t tell him. Nobody nearby wanted me, and nobody farther away cared who I was. There were other things she could have said. None of them were you. Instead she settled for a shake of her head, and tried desperately to transition away. “There’s a shortage of good men in Nottingham.”

William laughed. “There’s a shortage of good men everywhere in England.”

“Baron de Lacy could use someone like you. Someone trustworthy.”

He paused. “What makes you say that?”

“He doesn’t have much support here. He was assigned this post by Richard’s court, which upset a number of people. The High Sheriff of Nottinghamshire, Derbyshire, and the Royal Forests? Your father was amongst those that could have taken the seat.”

William grimaced, but wisely didn’t respond. Once upon a time, Lord Beneger de Wendenal had been like a second father to her, and there were still times when she had difficulty separating her warm memories of him from what he had done later.