‘Just no leaving the kids alone at night and going off for tapas, yeah? By the way, have you seen my phone? Oh fuck’s sake, John Terry. You muppet.’

He lost his phone at least once a week.

‘No I haven’t, and that’s not funny, James,’ I said quietly. I retrieved the beer bottle from the bin and put it in Alicia’s recycling box. ‘Where’s your spirit of adventure gone?’

‘It’s all used up in this bloody club, that’s where it is. Stop bloody moaning, woman. Oh, come on, Cole – oh, you stupid twat.’

I picked up my plate and carried it to the sink where I ran the water until it was almost boiling. I held my hands under the water until I couldn’t bear the heat any more. Outside was complete darkness; my beautiful garden was utterly veiled by the night. The foxes barked and screamed. I looked at James’s reflection in the darkened window before me, and considered the tight layers of care we construct around ourselves, those nearest to us who supposedly protect and support us. I remembered the boy James once was; looked at him lounging in his chair, beer in hand, and I saw the man he had become. Not the man I had foreseen, somehow, a much looser cannon. And I saw the care I had for him, my fourth child almost, and then all around me I saw the cage I was in. But nowhere, nowhere – however hard I looked – could I see the care he had for me.

Stupid with sleep, I was woken at dawn by a tousled Alicia standing by my bed like a small wraith in her white nightie. James wasn’t here, which meant he’d crashed out on the studio sofa yet again. I slept without James five nights out of seven these days. I blinked blearily.

‘Climb in, baby.’ I discovered a snoring Fred already curled up in the small of my back. I pulled back the duvet to let my daughter in, but she stayed standing where she was.

‘There’s a man in the garden, Mummy,’ Alicia whispered. ‘I saw him. He went like this.’ She held a finger to her lips. ‘You know, like “Shh”.’

I sprang out of bed, and rushed to the window, my heart thumping. Alicia followed me.

‘Get back, Lissie,’ I ordered urgently. ‘Get in bed now.’

I pulled the curtain back quickly and peered out into the gloom, but there was nothing.

‘Are you sure you saw a man?’

‘Yes,’ Alicia insisted. ‘He had sticky-up hair, like this.’ She demonstrated with her own dark locks. ‘And it was white.’

‘You mean blond?’

‘And he waved at me, and then I couldn’t see him any more.’

‘Get into bed. I’ll be right back.’

I ran downstairs. In the half-light I made out a small flat object on the doormat. I picked it up. James’s mobile phone.