Danielle, in case we were entirely mentally scrambled, reminded us how this would work. Dr. Gupta and we would watch the video together. Then he’d watch it alone. If he saw a problem where he wanted another doctor to consult, he’d call the doctor or set up a time for the other physician to watch the video.

We sat and watched the video on his computer screen.

It started with Sasha—I don’t know what else to call you; how can I give you a different name when I don’t know if you will be ours?—in his crib. On his back. He was skinny. He was not marked or bruised. Adult hands reached toward him, gently extended his arms, his legs. A finger tickled his ribs, and he gurgled then—a smile, finally. I felt the bolt through my heart.

Now he was lying on a blanket on the floor of another room. Sasha turned over onto his stomach. Held up his head. I glanced at Dr. Gupta, silently studying. No sign of emotion. Not taking notes.

Fingers snapped near ears; Sasha turned. A light was gently shined into his eyes; Sasha blinked.

Now Sasha sat up. He crawled toward some toys, but a bit uncertain. I got the feeling he’d never been in this room before, never seen these toys. Did he know he was performing? Auditioning for a new life with a loving family on the other side of the planet? Put on a stage by someone who didn’t want him for someone who did, who could feel the ache of wanting him in her arms? He crawled. He stood unassisted. He looked up with lovely blue eyes at whoever filmed him, and I pretended he was looking at me and Kyle.

And then the video was over. I hoped it would be much longer. Hours of Sasha, and sequels. But no. Danielle had warned me it would be brief.

“This is like shopping,” I said, very quietly, and I felt a tug of shame.

“No,” Kyle said. “No, honey, it’s not. We’re not looking at two, or five, or ten babies. We’re just looking at HIM. Doctor?”

“I don’t see any developmental or physical issues, based on the film,” Dr. Gupta said. He probably says “based on the film” after every sentence. “I’d like to watch it again.”

All these qualifiers felt wrenching. I wished Julia were here. She has been a little ambivalent about a baby coming to live with us; I’m not sure she understands. I’ll show her the picture and the video later, but how will I explain if we don’t get you? “Sorry, your little brother was canceled. We’re hoping for a second try.”