“I keep calling it a process.”

“That’s sweet but inaccurate. It’s an ordeal. It will test you and Kyle”—I was impressed she remembered his name, since he wasn’t there; we’d decided I would screen the consultants first since he was traveling so much—“in ways you can’t imagine. I understand you’re already blessed with a daughter. That will be held against you, eventually. They’ll argue an infant should go to a family without children. Or they’ll realize you are”—WERE, I thought, WERE—“a successful songwriter and the bribes will rise. Someone will try to be an obstacle to you, and when that happens, you must do as I say. If you can’t follow my instructions, then I will be wasting your money. And you’ll get your heart broken. And I don’t want to do that. If you want this baby, truly want this baby, then you’ll do as I say. Do you really want this child?”

Well…did I? I hadn’t expected this question. I closed my eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. I loved Julia more than I had ever thought possible. When your child is sick, really sick, it either focuses you or breaks you. With me, it gave focus. But at the same time, it expanded my capacity for love, just as Julia’s birth had. Growing up, it was just me and my mom. I was loved. I thought I knew what love was when I met and fell for Kyle. And then again, even more so, when Julia was born. I didn’t know I had so much love in me; it just had to be unlocked. Kyle and I had so much more to give. The answer was clear. I was almost shaking, and I steadied my voice.

“Never ask me,” I said, “how much I will love this baby.”

10

Iris

It’s been a long day. The second longest day of her life.

When she and Julia get home from the police, they find Kyle a complete mess: face bruised, blackened eye, cuts on his temple and ear, nose swollen, lip cut. He’s cleaned himself up, but he looks like he went two rounds in a boxing ring and lost.

“I fell down the slope. I did a faceplant all the way down into the creek,” he says. “I was running.”

“You went for a run?” Iris can’t keep her voice from rising in anger. “I asked you to stay here with Grant…”

“Grant was fine,” he says. “We all deal with this in different ways, all right, Iris? All right? I feel bad enough as it is.”

Julia stares at him. “Dad…” And he encloses her in a hug, being Dad, being there for her now.

“Where is Ned?” he asks.

“He’s at Mike’s house.”