“Iris, deep breath. You’ll want to watch his video and see what Dr. Gupta says. If there are signs of problems, we want to know now. Don’t be swept away by emotion.”

“It shouldn’t matter. He doesn’t have to be perfect.”

“I know. It doesn’t matter, as long as you know what you’re signing up for. Do you hear me?” Danielle wasn’t being my friend right now. She was being the adoption consultant whom we pay to be blunt and direct and to leash in our emotions so this process/ordeal goes like clockwork.

“All right,” I said. “It’s just a picture. I wish he were smiling.”

“These babies don’t always have a lot to smile about,” she told me, and her words were like a curtain falling.

I didn’t want to think about whether anyone at the orphanage has ever cradled you when you were sick or comforted you when you were sad. I knew they must; don’t they? But you are one of dozens of infants under their care. Maybe hundreds. The thought crushed me. You needed someone to love you. You needed me. And I knew Danielle was right, but for a moment I just wanted her to shut her logic-spewing mouth. Keep her true words to herself. Just let me wish you will be mine. Sasha. Alexander was a fine and noble name, but I had a name picked out for you, one I haven’t stuck on you yet. One I dared not say aloud, so I didn’t break the spell.

(Do you see how nuts your mom was? One minute I was a process-oriented paperwork machine, and the next minute I was riding unicorns and thinking if I say the name I want to give you aloud, it would work some kind of magic.)

Danielle was quiet the rest of the drive.

Kyle was already at the children’s hospital when we arrived, pacing in the lobby like a nervous father awaiting delivery. We didn’t bring Julia with us—she was too young and she was with Kyle’s mom, Margaret, your nana. We embraced, and I showed him the photo. We studied it together, each holding a side of it, while Danielle summoned the elevator.

“Oh,” Kyle said. “He’s a handsome boy.” His hand squeezed on mine.

Dr. Gupta was around our age, a college friend of Danielle’s whom Global Adoption Consultants had a contract with to evaluate these infant videos. He smiled, was pleasant but not too friendly. Even a bit cool. And I realized why: he may have to tell us there’s something wrong with this baby we want.