She smiles so large that her lips look rubbery, stretched into a bubblegum beam. I almost think she might cry, her pupils glossy as she squeezes my hand. “I feel so honored that you chose to share that with me.” And then she’s actually dabbing her eyes. “I can’t take responsibility for that, though. That’s your own doing, and I’m so proud.” She gets up and goes around the table to give me a hug. I get up, too, letting my head fall onto her shoulder. And we stand there in the middle of the coffee shop crying and embracing, disregarding anyone who could be staring.

And I realize that I need her, that I’m fastened to her now, that I’m enamored of her sweet touch, and her knowledge of how to sustain me.

Because I’m afraid that if I lose her, that if I stop filling my well of happy memories, the nightmares will come back, rearing their Cerberean heads and eating up all the good.

8

July 1996

Annie especially likes her long, lazy summer afternoons with Suzy, maybe even more than the mornings. After lunch, PB&J sandwiches cut into fun shapes or cottage cheese and strawberries, Annie thinks up activities for them to do. It’s so wonderful, so deliciously leisurely, that they don’t have to go anywhere, that the lake is pristine and empty and right there, that the backyard goes on for acres. There’s no strapping Suzy into a car seat and taking her to the public pool, where a long piece of floating shit is about as likely to appear as a lost flip-flop. Here, it’s absolute paradise.

Some days, they just bob in the lake for hours. Annie slathers Suzy with sunscreen and ties the little bucket hat around her head, and they go onto one of the many floating rafts the Kellers keep stacked near the lake entrance. Suzy loves the water. She loves when Annie lifts her up, up into the air, then back down, submerging her fat, wrinkly legs. Such a simple movement gives Suzy such pleasure for hours, and Annie’s happy to oblige until a cloud moves over the sun or Suzy’s head starts to loll with sleepiness.

Other days, they paint. With money the Kellers give her, Annie buys big sheets of paper that she spreads on the grass, the corners held down by rocks. She lets Annie paint with only her pull-ups on. The material always ends up covered in color. Sometimes, she chases a giggling Suzy through the grass with a paintbrush, swiping at her, painting her skin red, blue, purple. Other times, she lets Suzy paint her face, her arms, her legs, and they take pictures with the Polaroid camera. Suzy is shocked when the purple squiggle she drew on Annie’s forearm moves when Annie flexes it.