Honestly, the worst part about this whole situation is knowing that this thing is planned for next Friday, also known as the last day of camp, and potentially the last time I’ll see Devin. That’s the part that gets me the most.

I scribble down a couple of acceptable gift card options before the kids come streaming in. It’s weird to think that I’ll probably miss them, even if I don’t actually remember any of their names. I pass Devin my envelope, and e starts talking to the kids, telling them about today’s craft project, and all I can think about is what would make an acceptable surprise gift for em.

I mean, the message specifically says, “if we know each other,” and not to get philosophical, but I guess we don’t really know each other all that well. I only learned eir last name was Salazar after reading it off the Christmas list, and I can’t help but wonder if maybe I’m just fooling myself. Maybe I’m not really in love with em. Maybe I’m doing the same dance I did with Drew, leaping off a literal cliff edge because I just want to be in love with somebody so much I don’t even care which way I’m running.

But then, does it matter? Does it have to be love for me to get em a super awesome not-Christmas gift? Do I really have to decide by next Friday?

Devin sits next to me and places a hand over mine. “You okay? You look stressed.”

I look up at em and all I can think about is whether or not e knows how I feel about em. I mean, Becca didn’t seem at all surprised by my confession. Did that mean Devin picked up on it too? E always seems to know what I need, so does that mean e knows how I feel?

But it’s not like I can just ask em if my feelings are obvious without exposing said feelings, and really, it’s not eir problem. I should just focus on finding a gift and moving on with my life.

“I’m fine,” I say, but I’m not sure e believes me. It’s okay, though. I don’t really believe me either.

When I get into Brian’s car that afternoon, I buckle my seat belt and say, “Is there a mall we can go to?”

He turns to me, an eyebrow raised. “Is this for the Secret Santa thing?”

I nod.

“Yeah, there’s a mall, but don’t stress too much. The gift exchange isn’t that big of a deal,” he says.

“It is for me.”

“Why?”

I shrug. “I got Devin.”

Brian gives me this oh, hell no look before pulling out into the street. “You better start from the beginning.”