And yeah, I used Drew to save the blog, and sure, those may be my most popular posts, but is our relationship really strong enough to shine as a beacon for trans people everywhere? Even as I remind myself that I love him and that we’re perfect for each other, I can’t help but feel like I’m floating in some liminal space trying to find the ground. It’s like I can’t differentiate what I want for the Diary versus what I want for me, or, well, what I want at all.

I push the thought out of my head because it’s ridiculous, and I’m not in the Hesitation anymore, and I’m already running late for work.

So by the time I get to work, I’m half-ready to punch a baby. Okay, maybe I won’t punch a baby, but I definitely snatch my coffee out of the holder and chug the thing hot like a rabid gremlin.

“Whoa there,” Devin says, gently taking the cup from my hand before I can hurl it across the room. “I know things are a little rough, but drowning yourself in coffee won’t fix it.”

“I don’t know what to do anymore,” I say, and it feels like a weight off my shoulders. “I don’t know how to save the Diary.”

“Maybe you don’t have to,” Devin says.

I raise an eyebrow. “Is that supposed to be some philosophical shit?”

E grins. “I just meant, maybe you’re stressing out about finding a solution to something that’ll resolve itself. Maybe you’ll feel better if you just take a step back and breathe for a while.”

And I know e’s probably right because e usually is, but I hate knowing that it’s out of my control.

When the kids come rushing in, I try to distract myself with catering to their needs. I walk around the room offering to replace their crayons and help them organize their sketches, which just results in one kid flinging a crayon at my face and telling me to go away.

Devin pulls me aside and says, “Do you want to take a walk? I can cover for you.”

And I feel like a total asshole saying yes and leaving the room, but I know I kind of need to. It feels like everything’s falling apart around me. I’d convinced myself that as long as I followed the rules in my relationship with Drew, things with the Diary would work themselves out, that he was the glue I’d been missing to keep the whole thing together and a perfect romance could save everything. But now things with Drew feel faker than when we started, and I don’t know where I stand with Becca, and the Diary’s slipping out from between my fingers.