Stop it, stop it, stop it, I beg myself. This is not me. This isn’t what I do. I smile and laugh and make people feel good. I don’t drag down the mood.

Right when I’m about to get up and flee, because I can’t stand to let everyone witness this any longer, Travis scoots his chair even closer so that it’s jammed up against mine. He puts his arm around my shoulders, tugging me to his side. I go willingly until there’s no space left between us.

It feels like that’s exactly how it’s supposed to be. And with him supporting me, rubbing my back, kissing my hair, I make it through this.

By the time everyone’s ready to go, I’m so emotionally wrung out, I’m not sure I can move. There are a lot of pancakes left on the table. There’s a big mess left on the table, actually. I want to help clean it up, but all I do is sit in my chair as if I’ve been permanently fused to it. I live here now. At least I know I’ll always be well-fed.

I’m aware of Elise and Grant saying goodbye. Aware of Travis telling me and May to wait for him to take care of the mess and then he’ll drive us home. I’m aware that May gets up and helps him, the two of them talking quietly while they clear the table.

The dried tear tracks on my cheeks make my skin feel tight. I need a warm shower. Or maybe an exorcism.

When it’s time to go, May comes over and gives my hand a squeeze. I’m afraid to look at her, but then she says, “Thank you for being so strong for me,” and my eyes shoot up to hers. The words don’t make sense, but she looks so sincere. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” I say, my voice raw and scratchy.

It’s not until Travis grips my side and urges me up that I realize I’m supposed to stand. I follow him outside like a puppy and climb into his truck after May. The drive to my house only takes a couple minutes, but I spend each of them silently bemoaning the fact that my daughter is sitting between me and him.

I need to be closer to him again. Feel the press of his body against mine and just know that he’s there.

And because he’s Travis, he doesn’t even make me ask for that. After pulling into the driveway, he leads me into my own house with an arm around my waist. May disappears, and he takes me up to my room.