We sat by the bed in the ward, and Karen was so proud of him and she lifted him into May’s arms so gently and he was fast asleep, and I needn’t have worried, because even asleep he was entirely himself, stretching like an old man after dinner, pursing his lips, forehead wrinkled like he was thinking deep thoughts. White, white skin with red patches as though they’d scrubbed him raw after he came out. Unmistakably alive.

‘He’s a little bobby dazzler,’ I said and May smiled and held him as though she held newborn babies every day, and there was no sadness in her face, no tension at all.

‘Where’s Ian?’ I said finally. Alex gripped one of my fingers inside his little hand. Karen wouldn’t meet my eye.

‘Probably gone to get a brew.’

The way she said it was off somehow, like there was more to it. I wanted to say more but Alex woke up and blinked, and his eyes were still dark, before the colour changed to grey. He shook his head from side to side and stared to cry. May lifted him onto her shoulder and he pushed at her with his hands, lifting his head up, searching and wailing.

‘He’s hungry, love,’ May said.

‘Oh right.’ Karen glanced at me and sat up on the bed. May pressed my foot with her foot. She needn’t have bothered. I was already planning my escape. I stood up.

‘I’ll go and see where Ian’s got to shall I? Could do with a brew myself.’

‘Milk and two sugars,’ May said.

Now the smell of cake wafting up from downstairs, my stomach rumbling like mad. I could murder a cup of tea. At the hospital it was all disinfectant and synthetic curtains, white tiles and the nurses rushing around with clipboards and drips. I couldn’t shake the image of May holding him like that – so naturally. The sun coming in though the window behind her – like the stained glass window in the church when we finally got married, Mary and Jesus so peaceful and glowing, drawing me to them so I almost wanted to believe.

Time to get out. The ends of my fingers are wrinkled. Turn off the shower and rub myself dry and put on some clean clobber, warm from the radiator. There’s no chance of any cake until Alex wakes up.