I can’t face going back to the club. And it’s not Jonsey I’m thinking about. It’s Alex. A fucking light bulb throbbing right above my head. His whole life, everything has been pointing to this and I just didn’t want to see. I get into a taxi and try to block out the music from the radio. Everything becoming clear. The way he was with Lorna. The way he hides himself away. Never quite fitting in. We stop at the lights. There’s a billboard at the junction by the prison. Personal finance, maybe or life insurance. A girl wearing a graduation gown, standing next to her parents, her hat in mid-air. They’re all looking up at it and smiling as though it’s the proudest day of their lives. It’s like someone planted it here just for me, just to rub salt in the wound. Look at what you could have won. I feel sick. I’ll have to ask him about it. I’ll have to shake all the secrets out of him. I root in my bag for another mint. Catch my wrist on the edge of a tube of hand cream. Mum’s hands. I could have gone back and sorted them for her. I could’ve asked the girl to do it for me.

It’s too late now. It’s all too late. The lights are turning again, amber to green. One last look before we turn left. The girl’s teeth are too perfect. Her parents look like ageing catalogue models. I know it’s staged. I know it’s only marketing. But oh God, I want it to be real. That’s all. I just want it to be possible.

4:00 pm

Leave me with the light       I’m trying to see.    I’m trying to remember

yellow leaves

blue buttons

bottletops

the bird’s egg with the crack

the birds tapping on the glass              and

Dad. There – by the window        if I go nearer he’ll melt. Can’t look, got to look. He’s here to give me a sign.

A little shy,      and sad of eye          but very wise      was he.

He isn’t sad anymore. He doesn’t need to say sorry. He’s with the birds. They’re all trying to tell me.  I’m ready. Oh! I’ve been ready for ever so long.

He’s not in the water now. The boy is safe. The rivers shall not overflow thee.

He doesn’t need to come any closer. He was never really gone.

I want to touch his hand but my legs are too damp.

I can’t get any closer. But the sky is so clear.

And the light. I knew it! He’s taken up!

24 July 1996

Arthur