“Truth,” Sampson said. “If you’d told me I’d have a kid, ever, I would have laughed. Now here I am with a three-month-old. It’s crazy. And at the same time, it could all change again, just like that.” He snapped his fingers hard, the sound popping in my ears. Sampson has the biggest hands of anyone I know. I’m six-three, not exactly chiseled, but not too shabby, and he makes me look slight.

“Billie and I are good together, no question about it,” he went on, rambling but making sense in his way. “That doesn’t mean it can’t all go crazy someday. For all I know, ten years from now, she’ll be throwing my clothes out on the lawn. You never know. Nah—my girl wouldn’t do that to me. Not my Billie,” Sampson said, and we both laughed.

We sat and drank in silence for a few minutes. Even without conversation, the mood darkened.

“When are you going to see Little Alex again?” he asked, his voice softer. “Ali. I like that.”

“Next week, John. I’ll be out in Seattle. We’ve got to finalize the visitation agreement.”

I hated that word. Visitation. That’s what I had with my own son? Every time I talked about it out loud, I wanted to punch something. A lamp, a window, glass.

“How the hell am I going to do this?” I asked Sampson. “Seriously. How can I face Christine—face Alex—and act like everything’s okay? Every time I see him now, my heart’s going to be aching. Even if I can pull it off and seem okay, that’s no way to be with your kids.”

“He’s going to be fine,” Sampson said insistently. “Alex, no way you’re going to raise messed-up kids. Besides, look at us. You feel like you turned out okay? You feel like I turned out okay?”

I smiled at him. “You got a better example to use?”

Sampson ignored the joke. “You and I didn’t exactly have every advantage, and we’re just fine. Last I checked, you don’t shoot up, you don’t disappear, and you don’t lay a finger on your kids. I dealt with all that, and I ended up the second-finest cop on the D.C. force.” He stopped and smacked his head. “Oh, wait. You’re a lame-ass federal desk-humper now. I guess that makes me D.C.’s finest.”

Suddenly I felt overwhelmed by how much I missed Little Alex, but also by John’s friendship. “Thanks for being here,” I said.

He put an arm around my shoulders and jostled me hard. “Where else am I gonna be?”

Chapter 42

Chapter 42