I closed the door behind us.

“So what’s with the new hardware?” I asked, motioning to his face. He shrugged but said nothing. “Do you have to wear the mask all the time?”

“It’s headgear, Macy. Usually only when I sleep, but I decided I want these braces off sooner.”

“Why?”

He stared back blankly at me, and, yeah, I got it.

“Are they annoying?” I asked.

His face twisted into a sardonic grin. “Do they look comfortable?”

“No. They look painful and nerdy.”

“You’re painful and nerdy,” he teased.

I flopped down onto the beanbag chair with a book and watched him peruse the shelves.

“You’ve got all of the Anne of Green Gables books,” he said.

“Yeah.”

“I’ve never read them.” He pulled one from the lineup and curled onto the futon. “Favorite word?”

Already this ritual seemed to roll out of him and into the room. It didn’t even catch me off guard this time. Looking down at my book, I thought for a second before offering, “Hushed. You?”

“Persimmon.”

Without further conversation, we began to read.

“Is it hard?” Elliot asked suddenly, and I looked up to meet his eyes: amber and deep and anxious. He cleared his throat awkwardly, clarifying, “Holidays without your mom?”

I was so startled by the question that I quickly blinked away. Inside, I begged him not to ask more. Even three years after her death, my mom’s face swam continuously in my thoughts: dancing gray eyes, thick black hair, deep brown skin, her lopsided smile waking me up every morning until that first one she missed. Every time I looked in the mirror I saw her reflected back at me. So yeah, hard didn’t cover it. Hard was like describing a mountain as a lump, like describing the ocean as a puddle.

And neither of those things could contain my feelings about Christmas without her.

He watched me in the careful way he had. “If my mom died, holidays would be rough.”

I felt my stomach clench, my throat burn, asking, “Why?” even though I didn’t need to.

“Because she makes a big deal out of them. Isn’t that what moms do?”

I swallowed back a sob and nodded tightly.

“What would your mom do?”

“You can’t just ask stuff like that.” I flipped onto my back and stared up at the ceiling.

His apology came out in an immediate burst: “I’m sorry!”

Now I felt like the jerk. “Besides, you know I’m okay.” Even just saying it backed up the emotional eighteen-wheeler. I felt the tears retreat down my throat. “It’s been almost four years. We don’t have to talk about it.”

“But we can.”

I swallowed again and then stared at the wall, hard. “She started Christmas the same every year. She made blueberry muffins and fresh orange juice.” The words came out in a woodpecker staccato. “We would eat in front of the fireplace, opening stockings while she and Dad told me stories from their childhood until eventually we started making up crazy stories together. We would all start cooking the duck, and then open gifts. And after dinner, we would curl up in front of the fireplace and read.”