‘Not just any sister, and definitely not just any sex. Was it good?’

I sigh. ‘Yes, very.’

‘Of course it was. Someone as gorgeous as Will is bound to be bloody incredible in the sack. I mean, you could probably come from just looking at him for ten minutes.’

‘Tash!’

‘Oh, stop being such a prude, Tilly. Don’t tell me there hasn’t been a significant amount of self-love and fantasising going on recently, because you’d either be lying or there’s something seriously wrong with you.’

‘I’m not a prude. I’m just not discussing the ins and outs of my sex life with my sister.’

‘Ins and outs,’ she chortles. ‘Very good.’

‘Oh, for goodness’ sake. You’re obsessed.’

‘I think obsessed is overstating it. The point is that we’ve all been waiting for you and Will to make it official. Now you have, we’re pleased for you. Wait until Mum hears.’

‘You are not, repeat not, calling Mum to tell her that I had sex with Will.’

‘I so am.’

‘Haven’t you learned anything from the last time you interfered in my relationships?’

I’ve hit a nerve. There’s a pause before she comes back, but my brief hope that she might see sense and back off is quickly shot down. ‘That’s a fair point,’ she admits. ‘But I’m not actually interfering this time, am I? I’m simply sharing information. Plus, isn’t it easier all round if Mum hears it from me? She’ll ring you up, full of excitement, but you don’t actually have to do the telling because I’ll have done it for you.’

‘And embellished it from here to next week. If she so much as mentions the O word, I’m coming for you.’

‘OK. You tell her.’

‘What?’

‘Someone’s got to tell her because she’s living on tenterhooks. If you don’t want me to do it, you have to.’

Fuck. She’s outmanoeuvred me beautifully and she knows it. I can’t even begin to think how I’d broach the subject. I play out various options in my head, the easiest one being simply to mention in passing that Will and I are official, but she’ll want to know the details and will probably be even more demanding and inappropriate than Tash.

‘Fine,’ I sigh. ‘You can tell her, but you’re not to go into details or make anything up.’

‘Spoilsport. And the champagne?’

‘Still weird.’

‘You and the parentals drank champagne when I pushed eight and a half pounds of satanic flesh out of my hoo-ha. I don’t think it’s any weirder to open a bottle because Will stuck something altogether more pleasant into yours, is it?’

‘Enough, Tash. You’re making me feel queasy.’

‘Ooh. Maybe you’re pregnant.’

‘I’m on the pill and it doesn’t hit that fast, as you should know.’