nerves

I’m the first one to arrive at the hotel room.

A few hours ago, I’d been worried that I would be too late because I’m usually very late to everything. But, actually, now that I think about it, I haven’t been late to a single one of my dates with Darren or Nadia. In fact, ever since our very first date, I’ve been right on time, and even a bit early, bus schedule depending.

I can never admit this to Emma. She would never let me live that fun fact down.

I leave my suitcase by the front door and look around this fancy ass suite that my broke ass surely could never have afforded. I offered to chip in, but no lie, I’ve never known the particular relief I felt when Darren and Nadia shot that suggestion down. I couldn’t have afforded chipping in even a few dollars without dipping heavily into next month’s student loan payment or putting it on my already taxed credit card. But I had to offer. I’m not opposed to a sugar relationship — I couldn’t have survived college without one — but that’s not what I’m building with Darren and Nadia.

There’s a smile on my face when I let myself think about the relationship I want with them — the relationship I’ve been dreaming about only late at night when I can’t stop myself, when I can’t put a check on my desires. My fantasies are somehow the filthiest shit — even for me — and the quaintest. I’ve had as many dreams about Darren fucking me in the laundry room or crawling under the dining table to lap at Nadia’s pussy as I have about the three of us watching the boys at the youth league championship basketball game. In my fantasies, I’m not Nadia and Darren’s perpetually horny little girlfriend; I’m a part of their life.

Okay, I’m not just their horny little girlfriend.

That’s why it feels like an entire murder of crows is going apeshit in my stomach right now. Anything could happen between now and the life I’ve been fantasizing about. We could all wake up one day and realize that actually, no harm, no foul, but this relationship isn’t for us. We could have a big ass fight, like a real one, one that can’t be repaired by a surprise visit to my job and a milkshake. The boys could hate me, and I’m terrified that they will. Anything could happen, meaning all the worst shit I can imagine is on the table.

But right now, only the best, bubbliest, romantically dirty things seem possible with Nadia and Darren.