I was frightened by the fact that I was so consumed, so I tried not to think about it. I created lists in my head of things I needed to do. I daydreamed about running away from home and alphabetized all the reasons I hated my mother. But no matter what I did, eventually my thoughts would drift to him and I’d experience a breathless, floaty feeling, as if I had just spent the day blowing up balloons. As punishment, I pinched the tip of my pinky finger, hard.

I started to see Lavi in a different light, too. Now, instead of just being my friend, she was his sister. She had the potential to provide me with insights that no one else could. I tried to be inconspicuous because I didn’t want her to see right through me. I didn’t want her to see that all I wanted was him.

The red paint incident burned inside me because all it did was remind me that I had no idea who he really was or what he was capable of. Worst of all was the possibility that my mother was right about him. I said nothing to either of them after my discovery. I wasn’t sure what to think, so I decided to keep it to myself.

One afternoon, Lavi and I were enjoying our french fry ritual, but I couldn’t tear my eyes from the front door and was trying my best to act like I was paying attention to the conversation.

“What do you think about reincarnation?” Lavi asked as she grabbed a carton of milk out of the refrigerator. She poured two heaping teaspoonfuls of reddish powder into her glass. She loved strawberry milk, and I watched as it turned from white to bubble gum pink.

“What?” I thought I heard someone at the door, but it was coming from the next unit over.

“Reincarnation. Do you ever think about it? You know, who you might have been before you were you?”

Lavi always surprised me. It never occurred to me to imagine who I might have been before, especially since I was not even sure about who I was now. “Who do you think you were before?” I asked.

She stirred her milk with such intensity that a small funnel formed in the center.

“Don’t laugh, okay?”

I shook my head and grabbed another french fry.

“I think I was a bird before.”

“A bird?” Were those footsteps or was that just the pounding of my heart in my ears?