Mrs Tachyon stared intently in front of her, and jigged happily among the pillows.

‘She looks happy enough,’ said Kasandra. ‘What’s she listening to?’

‘I couldn’t say for sure,’ said the nurse. ‘All I know is the headphones aren’t plugged in. Are you relatives?’

‘No. We’re—’ Kasandra began.

‘It’s a sort of project,’ said Johnny. ‘You know … like weeding old people’s gardens and that sort of thing.’

The nurse gave him an odd look, but the magic ‘project’ word did its usual helpful stuff.

She sniffed. ‘Can I smell vinegar?’ she said.

Kasandra glared at Johnny. He tried to look innocent.

‘We’ve just brought some grapes,’ he said, showing her the bag.

Mrs Tachyon didn’t look up as they dragged chairs over to her bed.

Johnny had never spoken to her in his life, except to say ‘sorry’ when she rammed him with her trolley. He wasn’t sure how to start now.

Kasandra leaned over and pulled one earphone aside.

‘Hello, Mrs Tachyon!’ she said.

Mrs Tachyon stopped jigging. She turned a beady eye on Kasandra, and then on Johnny. She had a black eye, and her stained white hair looked frizzled at the front, but there was something horribly unstoppable about Mrs Tachyon.

‘Indeed? That’s what you think!’ she said. ‘Call again tomorrow, baker, and we’ll take a crusty one! Poor old biddy, is it? That’s what you think! Millennium hand and shrimp? Free teeth and corsets? Maybe, for them as likes it, but not me, thank you so much. Wot, no bananas? I had a house, oh yes, but it’s all black men now. Hats.’

‘Are they treating you all right?’ said Kasandra.

‘Don’t you worry! Right as rain and twice as ninepence. Hah! Tick tick bang! I’d like to see them try. There’s puddings. Of course, I remember when it was all fields, but would they listen?’

Kasandra looked at Johnny.

‘I think she’s a bit … confused,’ she said. ‘She doesn’t understand anything I’m saying.’

‘But we don’t understand anything she’s saying, either,’ said Johnny, who felt confused all the time in any case.

Mrs Tachyon adjusted her headphones and started to boogie again.

‘I don’t believe this,’ said Kasandra. ‘Excuse me.’

She pulled the headphones off the woolly hat and listened to them.

‘The nurse was right,’ she said. ‘There’s nothing at all.’

Mrs Tachyon bounced up and down happily.

‘One born every minute!’ she chortled.

Then she winked at Johnny. It was a bright, knowing wink, from Planet Tachyon to Planet Johnny.

‘We’ve brought you some grapes, Mrs Tachyon,’ he said.

‘That’s what you think.’

‘Grapes,’ said Johnny firmly. He opened the bag, exposing the steaming greaseproof fish and chip paper inside. Her eyes widened. A scrawny hand shot out from under the covers, grabbed the packet, and disappeared under the blanket again.

‘Him and his coat,’ she said.

‘Don’t mention it. Er. I’m keeping your trolley safe. And Guilty is all right, although I don’t think he’s eaten anything apart from some chips and my hand.’